Once again another interesting day

So I woke up two hours early this morning in a terrifying nightmare of a guy trying to take my eyes from me . . . 

. . . that was AWESOME, let me tell you . . . {please note the sarcasm}

and then the message at church was about the light of our eyes . . . basically that pornography, lust, and immorality (and the tolerance of such things within our church bodies) is what starts everything bad in the church today. . . I'm obviously giving the condensed version . . .

Here's the part that starts to get me. He basically was saying that there is a way to defeat the flesh in these areas, but it takes a few things.

1) A knowledge deep inside of who REALLY lives inside of us. The very fact that the entirety of the Living God lives inside us and works through us should make it impossible for us to sin

 . . .  check . . .

2) We need to meditate on the Word . . . easy enough, but more than the word studies or whatever, but actually letting it permeate into our souls and falling in love with the Word like David, and realizing that is good

. . . check . . .

3) We need to communicate with the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us . . . He is a living being with a name, personality, etc . . . not some vague frothy thing . . . and He likes to talk to us, and it seems that He loves to help us out when we ask for His help.

. . . a slightly new idea, but check . . .

4) How we get power in our lives is by praying in the Spirit, specifically in tongues/prayer language/etc. Paul did it regularly and so we should all do it.

. . . umm . . . here's where I start to have issue. I have never heard a good scriptural basis for prayer language. It's always experiential . . . as in, "you just have to experience it". That simply doesn't convince me. And what I see of tongues in Scriptures always seems to be actual languages.

So, anyway . . . they gave this big invitation at the end . . . and a ton of people went forward to be prayed for . . . and they're all laying hands and people swaying and lots of noise . . . and I'm standing back at my chair, struggling. I totally want all of what the Lord has for us. I understand that I have not been operating in the power that I should have according to what Jesus said . . . as in "you will do greater works than these (or I did)". But the logic jumps on the last point just drive me crazy . . . plus, the scene up front looks ridiculous!? Like a complete emotion-driven hysteria.

So, I'm struggling with this, basically telling the Spirit . . . "if this is true, i want it, but I really don't want it because it looks ridiculous. I don't want to join in to something that appears silly to me. I'm honestly afraid of You, Spirit, because I don't really want this ridiculousness that, according to this guy, goes along with living in the power of Your Grace . . . but if You want me to have it, well, fine. Just please please don't embarrass me."

Then the preacher, who's down praying for and over people, looks straight at me and motions me to come forward. .  . there's gotta be 200 or more people up front, and he didn't do this to anyone else in the room.

I kind of look away, because the scene just looks ridiculous. I told God, "if this is supposed to happen, make him come out to me." So a few minutes go by, and he works himself through the crowd, praying for people . . . and I sit down, and kind of forget about it. . . and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me. There's still a good hundred people up front, and the music is still going, and I'm serious, he didn't come back to the seats for anyone else.

So he tells me, essentially . . . "Your heart is tender before God, but you need to get over yourself, and just step up and step out into God." Then he prays for me, basically just that I'll be filled with the Spirit and such, and then walks away.

. . . so, yeah . . . I'm kinda confused by this whole thing . . .

plus, I'm sick, which is AWESOME!! . . . {once again, catch the sarcasm}

and I have vocal/guitar tryouts tomorrow . . . at 2pm, which is when we normally wake up. . . so less sleep . . . so yeah.

Dad, I love you, but I'm so confused right now

Please send someone or some revelation that

helps me understand what's going on.

I feel like based on everything that's going on 

either all of it's right, or it's all based on a lie

and I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way.

But I want You. I want all of You. I'm just scared.

I don't understand it.

But I love You. Help me to trust You.

So be it.