On-the-spot creativity

Yeah.

I don't have it.

My good friends already know and understand this.

The concept of "the jam" is foreign and difficult to me.

I am all about the slow, careful, methodical creativity.

The one that gets refined over and over and over.

So when I was on the front singing team tonight (at the JPR, which isn't recorded), and was supposed to "antiphonalize" I had nothin'. I have a hard enough time recalling best friends names within 5 seconds upon them greeting me. 

No, seriously, if a friend comes up to me and says, "Hey, Kris" . . . it takes me a few seconds before the verbal name comes. . . so I almost always say "hey, man" in return. It's not 'cause I don't know their name . . . I just have memory-read issues. My eye-to-brain-to-mouth buffer is clogged or something. I also have trouble in normal conversations actually contributing because by the time I figure out something to say, someone else is talking.

So, antiphonalizing is basically four singers singing "random" but related phrases back and forth, and maybe creating a chorus that everyone sings . . . it's usually like biblical phrases and stuff that relate to what the prayer leader is praying about or the scripture passage we're focusing on.

So, yeah . . . Kris is silent during the antiphonalizing phase.

He basically shrugs his shoulders and becomes frustrated.

And apparently starts talking in the third person. {sigh}

Dad, if You want me to be able to do this . . . 

OK, but it just doesn't seem to be the way You made me.

I don't know. I'm not too terribly concerned with it

Ok, so that's not true. . . I'm incredibly self-conscious of it.

Just like when I sit in a group of people and never say anything.

Oh well. We'll see.

I love You.

So be it.

Familiar Faces

So here is an incomplete list of the people I see (in other faces) on a regular basis. Some of them are people I actually know . . . some are movie/TV stars.

(Their name here (if I know it) / Who I see)

Katie #1 / Mandy Cross (a girl in my youth group when I was in high school)

Sean / Bobby "Harlan" Bowling . . . looks and singing style

Nathan (one of my core leaders) / Cilian Murphy

Summer / Paris Hilton with red hair and and a very sunny disposition.

Sara / Anne Hathaway with Avril Lavigne's vocal style

Cassie / Kim Perry (at LCU at the same time as me, and she also worked at MarCom)

Donna / ET . . . no, seriously it's actually an endearing thing.

a saxophone player / Brett Brock (without the cool hair . . . and slightly nerdier)

Katie #2 / Sara Gillory

Anna / Kristen Kreuk

Dan / Shane Everett

Other Random people I see in people I don't know who they are: Zooey Daschenal, Anna (Dusty's girlfriend), Rachel Weisz, and a ton of white cap guys, except nicer.

So yea. Fun. It's nice to see familiar faces.

Tonight was good / a strange phenomemon

It was nice to play again, I haven't or a few weeks. I played the 4AM to 6AM set, and I got to play with a pro . . . the guy who toured with the Katinas. I also found out he recorded on Crowder's "Sunsets and Sushi" album on the remix of "Deliver Me" and on the 10th anniversary of DC Talk's Jesus Freak on the song "What if I stumble". Yeah, he's good. So it was fun . . . and nerve-racking to keep up with the band, since Stuart was on bass again. Yeah. Humbling. But fun.

And I've been able to talk out some of my issues with some of the people here . . . so it's cool. I'm feelin' a little better about stuff. . . not so discouraged . . . I'm sure that will change in a few days . . . and then again . . . and then again . . . about oh, 60 more times.

Also, I've noticed another strange phenomenon that my brain is doing . . . I'm getting 2 days out of every one.

Let me explain . . .

It feels like my day from waking up 'til the prayer room is one day, and the prayer room 'til sleep feels like another. It's bizarre. I get a new day every time I wake up, and then when I walk into the prayer room at midnight.

Weird, I know.

Oh well.

Dad, thank You for strange sleep schedule coping mechanisms.

and brief moments of being excited about You.

Help me to continue pressing into You.

Thank You for Your faithfulness even when

I don't feel You.

I love You.

So be it.

Ok, I remembered. . .

2) I have internal anger issues . . . and pride . . . I think the anger is related to pride . . . in that I get really angry when my pride is injured.

3) "Prophet school" was better than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. Exciting stuff. Awkward, but exciting.

Dad, help me to not be in needless anger

against my brothers . . .

You are just trying to teach me humility.

Thank You for correction . . .

please help me to be more like You.

Thank You that You want Yourself

to be known . . . and You use us, sometimes, to do that.

Use me, Dad. For Your glory.

I love You.

So be it.

3 things I have realized in the last few days

1. I have resented God for asking me to fast. I like food. It's good. I like eating food. It's fun. On the other hand, I don't like being hungry. It's not fun. It's probably the reason I've had trouble fasting . . . because I always grumble at God for making me do it. It's not an enjoyable thing, or a worthwhile thing, like it's supposed to be.

dang it . . . I can't remember the other two things . . . the either weren't important enough for me to remember, or I'm tired.

{sigh} oh well.

Dad, I'm sorry for resenting You for this.

It's supposed to be a joy to do.

A way to commune with You better.

To silence my body and listen to You.

Help me to really see it this way.

Because I know I want to know You better.

Please give me grace to enjoy fasting.

Thank You. I love You.

So be it.

Why do I not have wonder?

There have been several occasions during teachings here where several of the members of my track have been absolutely amazed at some of the stuff we are being taught . . . like, freaking out about it . . . and while when I hear these things, my spirit cries "Yes!" . . . I don't have a "wonder"-ing, fearful to reaction to just about anything. I may get slightly excited about something, but that's about it . . .

I don't know . . . I know that we are supposed to have a "fear of the Lord" and all . . . and that God is so entirely beyond us that it should inspire me with wonder . . . but I seem to simply accept things quietly and try and act on them.

Am I missing something? I don't seem to have a lack of revelation in things, and the Holy Spirit has definitely been dealing with me about things . . . again, I don't know . . . {sigh}

Dad, if I'm missing something, please reveal it to me. . .

I want to know You completely . . .

But I don't want false emotions . . .

but I also don't want to close my emotions off to You.

Please give me more wisdom and revelation, Lord.

Complete what is lacking in my faith.

Thank you . . . I love You.

So be it.

Seriously!?

I just figured something out . . . 

Monday - 6 hours

Tuesday - 6 hours

Wednesday - 6 hours

Thursday - 10 hours

Friday - 10 hours

Saturday - 10 hours

Sunday - 2 hours

Total = 50 hours

Minus 2-4 hours a week for cleaning/musican duties.

Total = approx 48 hours spent in the prayer room every week

2 Days out of 7 every week

Plus a couple of weeks where we spend another 12 hours . . . That equals out to 27 total days out of 90.

Crazy. Seriously.

I'm not complaining . . . it's just crazy to think that close to a third of the total time I'm here will be in the prayer room.

Meatloaf two days in a row

And it was AWESOME!

It was almost as good as Mom makes.

Dad, thank You for meatloaf

Some people don't like it . . . but I do.

You rock.

So be it.

Start of week 4

So I've been here for three whole weeks now . . . and it's weird. Sometimes it still feels like I got here yesterday, and then sometimes it feels like it's been months since I've been back home. Our days are so jam packed, and kinda split between light-time and dark-time that each day feels like two. . .

So I tried to blog yesterday morning and it evidently didn't work . .  oh well. . . . but as I was writing this one I just figured out that it saves drafts . . . so I posted it anyway.

It's been a good couple of days . . . things revealed, etc. God's really been leading me out of some areas that I had boxed him into, and possibly showing me some things I'm supposed to walk in . . . I'm still making sure on those . . . they are really exciting to think about . . . but we'll see.

So tomorrow starts the 3-day weekly blitz. . . the three days I'm always exhausted at the end because we have almost no break. Ah well. It will be all good.

Dad, please grant me

the grace to endure long days . . .

even if they are about You

sometimes I just get tired of it

so help me to push in and focus on You.

i love You.

So be it.

Something serious and something not so. . .

So God's been really dealing with me today on some things . . . not sin issues, but belief issues and stubbornness. It's good . . . but He's forcing me to re-look at some things . . . challenging some of my pre-conceptions that were based on an immature look at scripture. . . yeah. So that's interesting.

I was also REALLY distracted today. I couldn't keep my concentration on hardly anything in the prayer room. This is really the first time I've done a full day water fast . . . and I'm a pansy, apparently. I couldn't think of anything other than the glorious Cheeze-Its I'm enjoying right now. It was slightly frustrating.

A good couple of days

So it's been a good couple of days.

Yesterday was a great Sabbath (actually resting and enjoying it), which ended with a question/answer time with Stuart Greeves (the director of the Nightwatch (12am-6am time at IHOP)). Something came out of that question/answer time that kind of cleared the muddle that I've been swimming in since I got here. . . it's still stewing in me . . . but it's a word that is starting to change the way I think about things, both here and at home.

Yeah. More on that later, I'm sure . . . as I said, it's still stewing.

Then today was just good. There was an all-approved-musician meeting where Mike spoke to us about lots of crazy stuff that I can't relate here.

And tonight's set (I played from 2am-4am) was awesome. At least it was awesome on stage. . . I couldn't really tell what the response from the people in the prayer room was. Anyway, we got back into the debriefing room and it was just silent. No one could think of anything to say. But we couldn't make ourselves get up or break the silence. It was crazy.

Dad, thank You for clarity and wisdom and understanding
. . . at least what You've given me so far . . . :)
Please give me more . . .
. . . help me understand more about You every day.
Give me the grace to keep searching after You
and the wisdom to understand what You show me.
I love You. Help me to love You more
and understand Your love for me.
Help me to put You above all of my other dreams and desires.
Above all, help me to really know Christ, and Him crucified.
I love You.
So be it.

Fun Times at a big house

So we just got back from the home of one of the guys in my apartment. . . his family lives nearby. His family of 12 brothers and sisters. Soon to be 13. His family with a large house.

It was fun.

I'm amazed the youngest kids were able to sleep with us making as much noise as we were.

Apparently, this is a weekly event, so yea! 

Oh yeah, we ate at Chipotle's, which was also awesome. Yea for monster-sized burritos.

Nothing to say . . .

It's been a somewhat uneventful day . . . sort of.

Stuff happened. It was cool.

Oh yeah, it snowed, and was really cold.

Nothing terribly exciting, though.

Yeah. Brain not working.

It's sleepy time.

So that was fun . . .

So Stuart Greeves(director of the Nightwatch and Fire-In-The-Night) is a hoss on bass . . . he got "the funk", if you know what I'm sayin' . . . which makes it difficult for very non-funky me trying to figure out what the progression is . . . :)

But it was actually really good. I was a little more comfortable tonight, so that helped, and I wasn't a complete stranger to everyone in the group, which also helped.

Anyway, it was good. So . . . yeah. We'll see when I get to play next. I was just filling in the past two nights. So . . . yeah . . . i don't really have a lot to say.

I'm tired . . . I haven't really slept well the last two nights . . . it's probably the 6:30am-right-before-bed-time-Cheez-It-and-Oreos-and-milk-time snack, giving me lovely acid reflux. Yea!

So . . . yeah . . .

OK,  bye.

Dad, thank You for Your love for me

and for Your grace in letting me have

gifts and talents that I enjoy using.

Thank You for Oreos and Cheez-its.

I really like them.

Even when I eat too many and they give me acid reflux.

I suppose I should thank you for acid reflux, too . . . since

that's probably supposed to let me know that I shouldn't

eat that late at night/morning.

Oh well. You rock. You're cool.

Yeah. I'm tired. I love You.

So be it.

Ready. FIRE! Aim.

So I got to play acoustic tonight during the 12am-2am set . . . which was fun and all.

It was like learning to play with Pastor Chris all over again. :)

 . . . as in having to figure out the style of a particular person's keyboarding, all while having to figure out in a few minutes where to plug in my acoustic rig, work the Aviom system and transpose every song on the fly . . . oh yeah, and learn 5 new songs in one set. :)

So that was fun, and I get to do it tomorrow at 4am. Yea! Hopefully I won't be as nervous this time.

Dad, thank you for the opportunity to serve

in a way that I love. It definitely helps with the monotony. :)

Dad, I love You. Help me to honor You with my praise

and to catch more of a glimpse of You in the process.

Thanks, Dad.

So be it.

Crazy Death-Metal-Indian-Techno Worship

OK . . . so if you have access to the IHOP prayer room video feed . . . you HAVE to watch this.

Misty Edward's team did this absolutely ridiculously amazing bit that absolutely rocked out the place.

I was astonished.

I was astounded.

It was a crazy mix of techno/hardcore/metal/indian. And it was awesome. I could feel lots of people rolling over in their graves, though. This would never EVER happen in most churches.

It was at the 10pm set on April 8. Scroll ahead to about 1:07 on the video. It's amazing.

I had a strange vision in the middle of it (it lasts about 30 minutes) of Jesus head-banging to it. I hope that's not sacrilegious.

Sick day

So I guess God wanted to me to have a full Sabbath day . . .

I woke up this morning, did my audition . . . (guitar and piano went well, I think, but since I was sick, vocals were no-so-beuno) . . . and then promptly went back to sleep for another 4 hours or so . . . woke up, and still felt horrible . . . so I "called in sick" to my prayer room time, and went to bed again. . . for another 4-5 hours or so.

I had to get up, though, even though I didn't go to the prayer room, so I don't mess my sleep schedule body clock thing up. Yeah. 

So basically, I've been either asleep or alone today . . . which has been kinda nice.

Dad, thank You for forcing rest on me sometimes

Especially since I forget to actually use the Sabbaths

to really rest.

Anyway, thank You.

I love You.

So be it.

Once again another interesting day

So I woke up two hours early this morning in a terrifying nightmare of a guy trying to take my eyes from me . . . 

. . . that was AWESOME, let me tell you . . . {please note the sarcasm}

and then the message at church was about the light of our eyes . . . basically that pornography, lust, and immorality (and the tolerance of such things within our church bodies) is what starts everything bad in the church today. . . I'm obviously giving the condensed version . . .

Here's the part that starts to get me. He basically was saying that there is a way to defeat the flesh in these areas, but it takes a few things.

1) A knowledge deep inside of who REALLY lives inside of us. The very fact that the entirety of the Living God lives inside us and works through us should make it impossible for us to sin

 . . .  check . . .

2) We need to meditate on the Word . . . easy enough, but more than the word studies or whatever, but actually letting it permeate into our souls and falling in love with the Word like David, and realizing that is good

. . . check . . .

3) We need to communicate with the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us . . . He is a living being with a name, personality, etc . . . not some vague frothy thing . . . and He likes to talk to us, and it seems that He loves to help us out when we ask for His help.

. . . a slightly new idea, but check . . .

4) How we get power in our lives is by praying in the Spirit, specifically in tongues/prayer language/etc. Paul did it regularly and so we should all do it.

. . . umm . . . here's where I start to have issue. I have never heard a good scriptural basis for prayer language. It's always experiential . . . as in, "you just have to experience it". That simply doesn't convince me. And what I see of tongues in Scriptures always seems to be actual languages.

So, anyway . . . they gave this big invitation at the end . . . and a ton of people went forward to be prayed for . . . and they're all laying hands and people swaying and lots of noise . . . and I'm standing back at my chair, struggling. I totally want all of what the Lord has for us. I understand that I have not been operating in the power that I should have according to what Jesus said . . . as in "you will do greater works than these (or I did)". But the logic jumps on the last point just drive me crazy . . . plus, the scene up front looks ridiculous!? Like a complete emotion-driven hysteria.

So, I'm struggling with this, basically telling the Spirit . . . "if this is true, i want it, but I really don't want it because it looks ridiculous. I don't want to join in to something that appears silly to me. I'm honestly afraid of You, Spirit, because I don't really want this ridiculousness that, according to this guy, goes along with living in the power of Your Grace . . . but if You want me to have it, well, fine. Just please please don't embarrass me."

Then the preacher, who's down praying for and over people, looks straight at me and motions me to come forward. .  . there's gotta be 200 or more people up front, and he didn't do this to anyone else in the room.

I kind of look away, because the scene just looks ridiculous. I told God, "if this is supposed to happen, make him come out to me." So a few minutes go by, and he works himself through the crowd, praying for people . . . and I sit down, and kind of forget about it. . . and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me. There's still a good hundred people up front, and the music is still going, and I'm serious, he didn't come back to the seats for anyone else.

So he tells me, essentially . . . "Your heart is tender before God, but you need to get over yourself, and just step up and step out into God." Then he prays for me, basically just that I'll be filled with the Spirit and such, and then walks away.

. . . so, yeah . . . I'm kinda confused by this whole thing . . .

plus, I'm sick, which is AWESOME!! . . . {once again, catch the sarcasm}

and I have vocal/guitar tryouts tomorrow . . . at 2pm, which is when we normally wake up. . . so less sleep . . . so yeah.

Dad, I love you, but I'm so confused right now

Please send someone or some revelation that

helps me understand what's going on.

I feel like based on everything that's going on 

either all of it's right, or it's all based on a lie

and I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way.

But I want You. I want all of You. I'm just scared.

I don't understand it.

But I love You. Help me to trust You.

So be it.

Update . . . I can't think of a good title

So it's been good the last few days . . . interesting if nothing else.

Yesterday afternoon (Friday about 9-10pm for most normal people), one of the worship leaders went into what they would call a "prophetic worship" time, basically having light music going while singing a stream-of-thought "prophetic word" on top of it. This happens a lot, actually, and I tend to just take it stride. . . but this time, it seemed like she was talking specifically to me.

It was strange . . . but I was basically weeping for almost half an hour. Not like loud sobbing or anything, but definitely weeping. It was crazy, but good.

I don't know really what to think right now about a lot of things . . . and I don't think that's bad . . . I'm really just trying to let the Spirit lead me through the scriptures into truth.

So . . . yeah . . .

Dad, I love You.

I know You've been steadily revealing Yourself to me

Even if I don't really understand what You've said

or even consciously known that You've said it.

Help me to have wisdom and understanding

And to come to know You more.

Thank you for my Sabbath tomorrow . . .

You have no idea how tired I am . . . 

ok, so maybe You do . . .

Anyway, thank You for it.

I love You.

So be it.

Nickname Petition

So I thought it couldn't get any worse than "curly Kris".

Well, apparently, my roommates, upon thinking up nicknames for everyone, decided to name me . . .

. . . get this . . .

"Tex"

What in the world?! I am like the least Texan person ever!? But they aren't budging on it, no matter how much I plead.

So, here's the deal . . . if anyone would like to spearhead this . . . I would be forever grateful. :)

They have agreed if I get one hundred (100) actual signatures on a petition to change my nickname, each with reasons why I am most definitely not suited for being stereotyped with Texas, and a suggestion for another nickname, then they will stop calling me "Tex".

Please.

Help me.

At least they have something . . .

After the Burger King fiasco, I had almost lost hope.

God could not be here. (Please note the total sarcasm)

I didn't think it could get any worse . . .

And then they went out of there way . . .

AND TOTALLY REDEEMED THEMSELVES!!!

Today's Dinner item in the IHOP intern cafeteria:

Grilled Mahi mahi with pineapple salsa.

Oh, my goodness.

It hasn't tasted like that since I had it in California. It was refreshingly surprising on three levels: 1) Mahi mahi in a cafeteria . . . an intern cafeteria . . . where you expect sloppy joes on a regular basis
2) Mahi Mahi in Kansas City, MO. . . almost 1000 miles from the nearest ocean.
3) They knew how to cook it

All joking aside, the food here is, well, good. I haven't had a meal yet that I didn't almost thoroughly enjoy. And I've probably eaten more vegetables in the past week then the past 5 or 6 months. It's awesome.

Dad, thank You for Your grace
especially in giving me good food to eat
when all i need is something for energy
but You make it taste awesome!
Thank you for allowing some good
small things that help keep my spirits up.
You rock.
So be it.

An Utter Travesty . . .

So, I'm goin' to go get dinner at Burger King, right . . . because I'm thinking about that delightfully calorie-laden monstrosity of tastefulness that is the Texas Double Whopper. You know what I'm talkin' about . . . the two flame-broiled patties, the veggies, the cheese, the bacon, and the perfectly spicy jalepenos . . . my mouth is watering right now.

So I get the Burger King, right? And I pull up to the drive through.

No

Texas

Double

Whopper

OK, so I'm breathin' hard, trying to get a grip on reality . . . and it occurs to me, "OK, you're not in Texas, so that makes sense . . . but you should be able to add things to your burger." I mean, it is the "have it your way" Burger King place, am I right?

So, I order the double whopper with cheese, and add jalapenos, and the response comes back . . .

"Sir, we don't have jalapenos here."

{insert stunned silence here}

What?!

Are You Kidding me?

Toto, I don't think I'm in Texas anymore.

So anyway . . .

So today was our first day on a "normal" schedule, which means not much until 10:00 pm. Which is kinda cool. I got to get out and go to Wally World, and work on the dreads . . . which takes about 2 hours. Now I'm about to go get dinner, and then chill for a bit until class at 10.

It's been strange the last few days . . . I've been reading a lot in the Word, and really trying to press in, but I'm just "not feeling it". . . I have so many questions about the very basis on which this place sets its foundation, that it's hard for me to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm really trying to isolate the presence of God from their rituals, and concentrate on the stuff I know is good.

I don't know. I don't feel as "angry" about it as the time of my last blog, but more disconnected. I have trouble singing along right now and really joining in with everyone else. 

Well, now it's time for dinner . . . yea!

SCHEDULEES! AAAUGHGHGAUG!#$%!#$!!

So we've been given addendum to our schedules . . . and it's all incredibly confusing . . . it really doesn't add anything as far as time . . . it just adds complications to the current one. It's like . . . "here's your schedule, except for these days, and this is different on these weeks, and on these specific dates you have to do this, etc." 

While I appreciate scheduling . . . they couldn't make it more difficult. It took all of us two hours to compile them into a single schedule . . . and I'm still not sure I got it all.

{sigh} oh well.

Also, those of you reading, I would appreciate prayers regarding something. Tonight was very difficult for me, since there's lots of things they are telling us and just kind of glossing over that just don't sit well with me . . . usually nothing very big, but things that just raise warning flags in my mind . . . so the end result is me finding it hard to believe anything they really put forth. I truly want to search out God and find the real Him, and if that includes the things they teach, then so be it . . . but some of it really just seems like it directly contradicts or misinterprets Scripture. And that really bothers me. I want to be in unity with the people here, and so have not raised most of my concerns to anyone here, but I cannot abide anything but the absolute truth. . . and I really need help in discerning truth from half-truth, whether I'm the one with the half truth or whatever. . . anyway . . .

Dad, I love You so much,

And I know You love me

Show me even more the depths and width and height of Your love

Help me to know the truth

And stand for it when I know it

And not compromise

So be it.

P.S. I think my dream was a version of Song of Songs . . . .