{sigh} Of course . . .

So, you might want to make sure you've read my previous post in order to understand what this one is about . . .

So, of course, after my rant about things last night, God would decide to give me a dream. I haven't really had any memorable dreams since I got here . . . and I knew when I woke that there was some significance to it . . . in any case, here 'tis.

The first part of the dream was a involved some random sports stuff, but the dream didn't become significant until after all of that. I was in some sort of house . . . but there were a lot of us, and we were kind of studying, I think . . . there's a girl my age sitting near me, but I don't pay a whole lot of attention to her. All of a sudden, she starts talking to me, straight up asking me if I thought we were meant for each other. . . and look up at her and really look at her for the first time, and she's stunning! She's absolutely the most beautiful girl I could imagine, personality and all (of course, since it's a dream, i could tell this instantly). Everything that I find myself drawn to in a woman. 

So I, of course, being the self-conscious person I am, hedge around it, am very hesitant, say "I'm not sure" etc. I just can't possibly imagine that someone as perfect as she is would ask me such a thing. She continues to assert that she is actually the perfect person for me, and that we were meant to be together . . . and I start to give in to the idea. . . I mean, she is perfect! I just can't believe she wants me. I won't go into details, but she spent some time convincing me how beautiful she was and how we were meant to be together . . . it wasn't sexual, but there was an element of the physical there (which, if I'm not mistaken, is my love language, which is really why I'm so afraid of physical contact with just about anyone) , as well as elements of emotional and intellectual. 

So, we're essentially cuddling (I know, sounds weird) now in her room. There wasn't really a transition, it just happened that we were there. And a noise comes from the door, startling us . . . she thinks it's her father, so I hide for a minute. Then we find out it was just the cat. She leaves the room for a minute, but the cat comes in . . .

So this cat was strange. I thought it was a kitten at first. It was small like one, but as it came up and started cuddling with me, I noticed it had tusks, kind of like a combination sabre-tooth/elephant tusks . . . not huge, but significant. It wasn't threatening in any way, and was quite gentle and affectionate. The other thing I noticed was that it most definitely was not a kitten. It was old. Older than any cat should be, but still beautiful and still strong. Strange.

Anyway, she comes back with a man . . . strangely enough, Brett's Dad, Steve. (??) He apparently isn't "her" dad. I'm a little vague here on who asks who, but he ends up agreeing to help me get out of there . . . and I think marry the girl. . . it was more implied than anything . . . because, we of course, are meant to be together.

There's some sort of car exchange thing where we switch cars to avoid detection . . . I'm still a little hazy here . . . but I remember I was packing stuff in the back of a Jeep Cherokee-esque (or something like it), and it being all beat up and old and barely functional, but at least it would get us wherever we were going. We were apparently married at this point, I think. So I was packing stuff, and she and I got into a mini-fight about how to pack things . . . it didn't really last, and I don't remember feeling mad about it. So were about ready to go, and for some reason, she drives off without me. 

I was CRUSHED! I'm freakin' out, and trying to call her, but I can't get my phone to work. My perfect bride who loved my completely for who I was was gone! So I start running after where I think she headed, still trying to call her, text her, all to no avail. Then I started noticing someone else, kind of following me, making me a little nervous. I don't know what he wanted, but it was not good . . . I wasn't afraid of him, though, so I kind of starting chasing him, asking him "how it felt" and stuff. I wasn't scared of him, I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could find "her". 

After a kind of "chase" scene, I end up losing him and finding myself back at a "previous time" in the dream, and she's there, except with a crowd of people kind of in a line. She's talking with some of them, and she doesn't really notice me at first, but as I come up to her, so embraces me and kisses me.

At this point, somehow I have fallen down on the ground, and it's just her and the family of the man that helped me out (Steve is there, but the family isn't the Brocks). I feel sort of injured . . . or rather beaten, bruised and tired. "She" comes over and lays down with me and wraps her arms around me, comforting me, etc. Then suddenly, we switch places, and I'm the bride being comforted. (WEIRD!!!) I'm crying/sobbing at this point, kind of quietly, either out of relief or love or something, I'm not sure, and "he" just holds me tight (the "he" is not me) and comforts me. This next part was very vivid. Every time I jerked with a sob, "he" jerked too, slightly delayed, as if in response to me, or I startled him or something. Finally I calm down a little, and breath that big sigh at the end of a good cry . . . and wake up with tears in my eyes.

So. yeah. Fun times. I really think this was God's way of showing me He loves me. It sounds simple . . . but I struggle with that. I don't find myself very lovable. And He told it to me in the way that speaks love most to me: not with knowledge, or verbally, or gifts, or anything but simply holding me and wanting to be close to me.

Feeling better about things . . . and yet . . .

So, I'm starting to loosen up a bit about some things . . . after hearing where they are coming from, it makes more sense, and it's kinda satisfied at least some of my theological problems with what they do . . .

 . . . some . . .

I'm, unfortunately, feeling a bit froggy about stuff right now . . . which probably isn't good, but sometimes things catch me by surprise and my defenses go up and I start to really analyze everything . . .

Like, just a minute ago, my "core leaders" came over to our apartment to pray for us before we went to bed . . . which is all well and good . . . but they wanted to pray that we would all have dreams and visions tonight. They then asked everyone what their dreams have been, and called almost every one of them "prophetic" . . .

. . . now, I completely believe in God's ability and desire to give people dreams . . . I've had several at different times in my life that I woke up and almost certainly knew they were from God . . . but it's almost like we're trying to force God's "vision" role into dreams that may or may not have anything to do with anything other than pizza for dinner, or a stressful day that overflows into our sleep.

I don't know . . . when they were praying for us, my prayer was honestly . . . "God, I don't know if I really want dreams. I don't see why I have to have a vision or dream to have You speak to me."

I don't really like my attitude in that, I'll be honest . . . 'cause I'm assuming you didn't either when you read it . . . whoever you are.

I just don't like throwing away intelligence . . . and sometimes it seems like they do here. God gave us a certain sense of the practical.

I don't know . . .

Dad, Honestly, I don't know that I want to have visions

I don't think it's because I don't want to hear from You

I really think it's because . . . well, I don't want them to be right . . .

sadly enough . . .

I can't see just letting go of my analytical mind

I know there is mystery to You

I know there are things and manifestations of You

that don't necessarily fit in my box I've sorta tried to stuff You in

But some things just seem ridiculous

Help to discern what is Your Truth

Give me Wisdom and Understanding

And an un-judgmental spirit

I'm sorry for my arrogance

If You want me to experience You this way . . .

well . . . OK . . . I think I can take it.

But I won't like it . . .

Just kidding. . .

I probably won't, but help me to overcome it.

Thank You for Your patience with me.

I love You.

So be it.

Schedule

Incidentally, for those that wish to know . . . my schedule is approximately the following:

1:00 pm to 4:30 pm: wake up / Breakfast

4:00 pm to 7:00 pm: Church services / Prayer Room / Free Time (depending on the day)

8:00 or 9:00 pm: Dinner

10:00 pm to Midnight: Classes

Midnight to 6:00 Am: Prayer Room

1:00 am: short lunch break (we (the guys) call it "thirdmeal")

6:30 am: curfew

7:00 am: lights out

Distractions

So, when you're used to only praying . . . well . . . not actually very much . . . being put in a situation where you're in a prayer room for 6-8 hours every day . . . you start to realize how distractible you . . . hey, is that some sticky stuff on my tea cup? . . . I must have missed with the honey . . . oh, what was I doing? . . . oh yeah, the blog . . .

No seriously, I'm realizing how prone to distraction I am, and how easy it is to find myself thinking of the most random things instead of focusing on God, or what we're supposed to be praying about . . . not that I think God doesn't understand or anything, it just makes me kind of ashamed that I can't focus on him for more than a few seconds at a time (and it's seriously seconds . . . I don't think I make it any longer than a minute).

Last night, during the last hour (5am-6am) I was really REALLY trying, but I was so stir-crazy that I couldn't keep my legs from bouncing, counting down the minutes. Tonight, I caught myself looking down at my feet and seeing how my pant legs kind of hike up when I sit down, so my extremely white socks show and look kinda funny against my dark pants and shoes, and thinking, "man, that looks really goofy; I really should've worn darker socks". And then I proceeded to think about blogging about it later, because it struck me as another distraction.

{sigh} I'm very glad God knows me. He probably laughs at me when he sees my attention snap back to Him (in a good way).

Dad, help me to know You more.

Help me to calm and focus my thoughts

toward You.

Help the to dim the world around me

to turn down the volume

to put it on slow-motion

So I can see You and You alone.

So be it.

Quick One

Well, one of the things ran really long, so I'll have to make this quick . . .

Yesterday was interesting . . . and slightly discouraging, but not too bad.

There was on incidident in particular where we were praying for someone's healing, and it was 1) obvious, and 2) I really kind of knew that he wasn't going to be healed by us. . . it was just a sore throat, so it wasn't life-threatening or debilitating or anything . . . but something I really just felt like I heard, as we all kept repeating the phrases "In the name of Jesus, heal his throat", etc. . . was that the reason we were repeating it wasn't so that we were just really trying hard to get him healed, but more as if to try and convince ourselves that it would actually happen.

Now, I know that God heals, that He has the power over everything . . . but in the moment . . . it's hard to convince me sometimes that He really wants to intervene in little things like that, or that He'll do it simply because I ask Him to.

Anyway, gotta run. Fun (or, not so) little tidbit.

Well, I'm here

So I finally was able to get internet access . . . yea!

Although, I have to admit, it would be kinda cool to completely detach from it for 3 months.

Oh well.

It was an interesting day yesterday. After no sleep the previous night, an 8-hour drive was . . . well, a little daunting . . . and then we stayed up until 4 last night. For the most part, I was doing good. Adrenaline or something, I guess. When it got around the 4 o'clock mark, though, and we were sitting in comfortable couches talking calmly about our testimonies, I was struggling.

It may be my lack of sleep (although probably a combination of that and other things), but yesterday was pretty numb for me. A lot of the guys are so excited to be here, and are just jumping in to everything . . . but I just don't feel it, yet. Of course, I'm not really that excitable of a person in general . . . except when it comes to music and leading worship. But with everything else, I've just felt so distant for so long. Very disconnected. And it hasn't really changed since I've been here.

It's been good, don't get me wrong. The fellowship is awesome. The guys in my apartment (and especially my room) are really cool and we have lots to talk about. The guy I've been hanging out with the most (Matthew) has taken a Nazarite vow. He's really into sound technology, music, etc., so we connect on that a lot. We also have a guy from Canada named Josiah whose missionary father was martyrd in the Phillippenes when he was 2, and David who was originally from Puerto Rico. So the guys are awesome. We've been having a good time getting to know each other.

But I still feel very alone in some ways. Everyone seems to be able to connect to what's going on. I just can't seem to get there. Maybe it will come in time. I don't feel like I'm not hearing God or anything . . . it's just extremely quiet and un-emotional. There's no feeling to it. There's no passion. Part of me doesn't trust fully abandoning myself to passion, though. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's true. I can't just turn my brain off. I know there's a balance, but lately, it's been more "communicative" than passionate. It's not just information or knowledge devoid of information, there is relationship to it, but it's without feeling.

I dunno. Everything here is about "experiencing" God . . . but there's some stuff I've been reading that talks about how "experience" should not be the defining standard of "truth". Truth is truth regardless of whether it's experienced or not. I want to know truth. But I want the "life" of God in me, that "life more abundant" that was promised.

Dad, help me to press in to You;
help me to dive into the riches of Your Grace, Mercy, and Truth.
Above all, Truth, Dad,
because you told me that I will know the Truth,
and that it(He) will set me free.
You rock. So be it.

I guess not . . .

Of course not . . . why would I need sleep before an 8.5-hour drive to Kansas City when I'm leaving at 5am?

{sigh}

I wonder if I'll sleep tonight

So . . . everything's packed in the car (minus a few pertinent items . . . laptop . . . backpack . . . bathroom stuff) and I'm getting ready to go to bed so I can get up and leave town by 5 am to make sure I make it there in time.

I wonder if I'll sleep tonight?

I'm seriously not trying to be melodramatic about this whole thing . . . but I have a real sense that tomorrow starts something big for me . . . something that won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. It's the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I would say . . . Chapter 6.

Chapter 1: birth through 1st grade (the innocent kid years)
Chapter 2: 2nd grade - 7th grade (the "I'm arrogant and legalistic" years)
Chapter 3: 8th grade - high school (the "Now I'm in public school, so I'm going to be bad, arrogant, and legalistic" years)
Chapter 4: The stupidest mistake of my life (My Selfishness)
Chapter 5: The aftermath of the stupidest mistake of my life (My Awakening)

You know that feeling you have before the first day of school? This is crazily worse than that. (Worse may be the wrong word(s) . . . maybe "more intense"??) It's not a bad feeling, at least not entirely. It's part dread/part excitement/part destiny (that's right, I said "destiny"). It's a sense of, "o crap, here it comes" right before the wave hits. It's that weird adrenaline-rush-thing that happens when you're falling or about to crash when everything slows down and you can see everything really clearly for that split second before you hit . . .

I don't know. Maybe I'll sleep fine. Maybe nothing dramatic will happen in my life. Maybe it will be just a time of rest and reflection for me. A time to let the creative juices recharge. A time to grow closer to God and know Him more (that can never be bad).

Dad, whatever You have for me;
whatever You have planned,
whether ultimate humility,
whether out-in-front leadership,
let it be done in Your will, and Yours alone.
It seems that You have led me here;
slightly against my will, I'll admit.
But I hand it over right now.
Whatever You have for me, I want.
My ideas are unimportant;
Yours are all-important.
I am Your servant;
Do what You will.
Replace my will with Yours.
So be it.

Not quite, but getting there . . .

So I've made it out of Lubbock . . . at least I've gotten that far. It almost seemed like it wouldn't happen; there was so much to do. But, after postponing my leaving town for one day, I finally made it out of town, and I get to spend some time with my family.

It's still kind of surreal . . . it doesn't really feel like it's going to really happen. It's probably because I'm still in familiar territory. I've gone back to visit Mom before. Once I hit the road, and have to start using my Google maps directions printout, it will probably kick in.

It's funny, in the last few years, I've come to think of myself as someone who adapts well to change. I'm kind of noticing now that I can adapt well to change as long as it's within my general framework of life. As long as it doesn't mess with my overall paradigm of home, friends, and work. Well nevermind that idea.

{sigh} Oh well.

I guess I get to learn how to deal with this change too . . . or maybe I am dealing with it. Maybe my "denial" of it happening is the way God keeps everything from hitting me all at once.

Well, just a few more days and I have to be there. Yea. Happy.

P.S. I apologize to those who are expecting me to be excited about this . . . but it's really hard, actually . . . I'm really looking forward to it . . . I know God's going to do awesome things in my life . . . but I left behind a lot of "good". If I didn't love the people and places and ministry and whatever, it'd be much easier . . . but, well, I do love all those things I left behind . . . so, once again, I am bittersweet.

Time will tell, I suppose.

Getting used to the idea

So . . . it's a little strange. I'm still getting used to the idea that I don't work for LCU anymore . . . and now I have to get used to the idea that I'm going to be in Kansas City, MO for three months . . . in a little short of three weeks.

. . . weird . . .

God is definitely taking me out of my comfort zone, out of the realm of my home, away from friends, away from my plan for my life. (Notice all the "my"s in there)

I'm pretty sure that is, at the very least, a part of what this whole thing is about for me. Learning how little my stuff and ideas and plans and . . . whatever . . . really matter.

What's funny, though, is that as I've slowly been giving up everything, and saying "yes" and letting Him work the details, many details for those things I love, and those plans I have made . . . are also, perhaps, starting to fall into place. I think it may be that whole "seek ye first" thing. Let go, don't worry about the things of this world. Seek after Him and His kingdom first . . . and everything else will be taken care of.

{sigh} It still doesn't make it easy . . . I'm a habitual "take-care-of-it" guy.

Dad, You rock! You are awesome, powerful, and everything I really need.
Please help me to continually give everything I am to You.
Let me not get in the way.
Let me not take control.
Guide me to act when I need to.
Guide me to refrain from action when I don't.
Let all things I do be for Your glory, and Yours alone.
I love You, at least as best I know how.
Amen.

yea! for a new blog

About this blog . . . I intend to post my thoughts at the end of every "day" in my internship at the International House of Prayer . . . I put day in quotes simply because I don't have a clue what the schedule is going to be like (for those that don't know, the internship I'm doing is called "Fire in the Night", which is involved in what they call the "Nightwatch" at IHOP, which is the 12AM to 6AM shifts in their 24-7 worship/prayer/intercession thing).

I have a feeling there may some entries on this blog that will be good, poetic and encouraging. I also have a feeling that there will be some that aren't so good, quite so poetic, and probably downright ugly. Quite frankly, this is going to be a way for me to process what is going on around me and in my head. By the grace of God, I know that in my imperfect humanity He can still be glorified, simply because He is not imperfect. (Ha! double-negative). Nevertheless, I intend to post it on here, for all the world to see, in this crazy lack-of-personal-privacy world we call blogging.

Yea! for newfound ways to communicate things nobody necessarily wants to know.