Well, I'm here

So I finally was able to get internet access . . . yea!

Although, I have to admit, it would be kinda cool to completely detach from it for 3 months.

Oh well.

It was an interesting day yesterday. After no sleep the previous night, an 8-hour drive was . . . well, a little daunting . . . and then we stayed up until 4 last night. For the most part, I was doing good. Adrenaline or something, I guess. When it got around the 4 o'clock mark, though, and we were sitting in comfortable couches talking calmly about our testimonies, I was struggling.

It may be my lack of sleep (although probably a combination of that and other things), but yesterday was pretty numb for me. A lot of the guys are so excited to be here, and are just jumping in to everything . . . but I just don't feel it, yet. Of course, I'm not really that excitable of a person in general . . . except when it comes to music and leading worship. But with everything else, I've just felt so distant for so long. Very disconnected. And it hasn't really changed since I've been here.

It's been good, don't get me wrong. The fellowship is awesome. The guys in my apartment (and especially my room) are really cool and we have lots to talk about. The guy I've been hanging out with the most (Matthew) has taken a Nazarite vow. He's really into sound technology, music, etc., so we connect on that a lot. We also have a guy from Canada named Josiah whose missionary father was martyrd in the Phillippenes when he was 2, and David who was originally from Puerto Rico. So the guys are awesome. We've been having a good time getting to know each other.

But I still feel very alone in some ways. Everyone seems to be able to connect to what's going on. I just can't seem to get there. Maybe it will come in time. I don't feel like I'm not hearing God or anything . . . it's just extremely quiet and un-emotional. There's no feeling to it. There's no passion. Part of me doesn't trust fully abandoning myself to passion, though. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's true. I can't just turn my brain off. I know there's a balance, but lately, it's been more "communicative" than passionate. It's not just information or knowledge devoid of information, there is relationship to it, but it's without feeling.

I dunno. Everything here is about "experiencing" God . . . but there's some stuff I've been reading that talks about how "experience" should not be the defining standard of "truth". Truth is truth regardless of whether it's experienced or not. I want to know truth. But I want the "life" of God in me, that "life more abundant" that was promised.

Dad, help me to press in to You;
help me to dive into the riches of Your Grace, Mercy, and Truth.
Above all, Truth, Dad,
because you told me that I will know the Truth,
and that it(He) will set me free.
You rock. So be it.