{sigh} Of course . . .

So, you might want to make sure you've read my previous post in order to understand what this one is about . . .

So, of course, after my rant about things last night, God would decide to give me a dream. I haven't really had any memorable dreams since I got here . . . and I knew when I woke that there was some significance to it . . . in any case, here 'tis.

The first part of the dream was a involved some random sports stuff, but the dream didn't become significant until after all of that. I was in some sort of house . . . but there were a lot of us, and we were kind of studying, I think . . . there's a girl my age sitting near me, but I don't pay a whole lot of attention to her. All of a sudden, she starts talking to me, straight up asking me if I thought we were meant for each other. . . and look up at her and really look at her for the first time, and she's stunning! She's absolutely the most beautiful girl I could imagine, personality and all (of course, since it's a dream, i could tell this instantly). Everything that I find myself drawn to in a woman. 

So I, of course, being the self-conscious person I am, hedge around it, am very hesitant, say "I'm not sure" etc. I just can't possibly imagine that someone as perfect as she is would ask me such a thing. She continues to assert that she is actually the perfect person for me, and that we were meant to be together . . . and I start to give in to the idea. . . I mean, she is perfect! I just can't believe she wants me. I won't go into details, but she spent some time convincing me how beautiful she was and how we were meant to be together . . . it wasn't sexual, but there was an element of the physical there (which, if I'm not mistaken, is my love language, which is really why I'm so afraid of physical contact with just about anyone) , as well as elements of emotional and intellectual. 

So, we're essentially cuddling (I know, sounds weird) now in her room. There wasn't really a transition, it just happened that we were there. And a noise comes from the door, startling us . . . she thinks it's her father, so I hide for a minute. Then we find out it was just the cat. She leaves the room for a minute, but the cat comes in . . .

So this cat was strange. I thought it was a kitten at first. It was small like one, but as it came up and started cuddling with me, I noticed it had tusks, kind of like a combination sabre-tooth/elephant tusks . . . not huge, but significant. It wasn't threatening in any way, and was quite gentle and affectionate. The other thing I noticed was that it most definitely was not a kitten. It was old. Older than any cat should be, but still beautiful and still strong. Strange.

Anyway, she comes back with a man . . . strangely enough, Brett's Dad, Steve. (??) He apparently isn't "her" dad. I'm a little vague here on who asks who, but he ends up agreeing to help me get out of there . . . and I think marry the girl. . . it was more implied than anything . . . because, we of course, are meant to be together.

There's some sort of car exchange thing where we switch cars to avoid detection . . . I'm still a little hazy here . . . but I remember I was packing stuff in the back of a Jeep Cherokee-esque (or something like it), and it being all beat up and old and barely functional, but at least it would get us wherever we were going. We were apparently married at this point, I think. So I was packing stuff, and she and I got into a mini-fight about how to pack things . . . it didn't really last, and I don't remember feeling mad about it. So were about ready to go, and for some reason, she drives off without me. 

I was CRUSHED! I'm freakin' out, and trying to call her, but I can't get my phone to work. My perfect bride who loved my completely for who I was was gone! So I start running after where I think she headed, still trying to call her, text her, all to no avail. Then I started noticing someone else, kind of following me, making me a little nervous. I don't know what he wanted, but it was not good . . . I wasn't afraid of him, though, so I kind of starting chasing him, asking him "how it felt" and stuff. I wasn't scared of him, I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could find "her". 

After a kind of "chase" scene, I end up losing him and finding myself back at a "previous time" in the dream, and she's there, except with a crowd of people kind of in a line. She's talking with some of them, and she doesn't really notice me at first, but as I come up to her, so embraces me and kisses me.

At this point, somehow I have fallen down on the ground, and it's just her and the family of the man that helped me out (Steve is there, but the family isn't the Brocks). I feel sort of injured . . . or rather beaten, bruised and tired. "She" comes over and lays down with me and wraps her arms around me, comforting me, etc. Then suddenly, we switch places, and I'm the bride being comforted. (WEIRD!!!) I'm crying/sobbing at this point, kind of quietly, either out of relief or love or something, I'm not sure, and "he" just holds me tight (the "he" is not me) and comforts me. This next part was very vivid. Every time I jerked with a sob, "he" jerked too, slightly delayed, as if in response to me, or I startled him or something. Finally I calm down a little, and breath that big sigh at the end of a good cry . . . and wake up with tears in my eyes.

So. yeah. Fun times. I really think this was God's way of showing me He loves me. It sounds simple . . . but I struggle with that. I don't find myself very lovable. And He told it to me in the way that speaks love most to me: not with knowledge, or verbally, or gifts, or anything but simply holding me and wanting to be close to me.