Encouragement / Mandatory "Fun" Day

So last night was really cool. I had the most fun so far playing a set. It was in the JPR, and we had a good team . . . albeit, a lot of subs. We had two acoustics, electric, keyboard, bass and drums. It was a blast. And everyone was really encouraging afterwards . . . it was cool . . . Sometimes I don't like such things, because I don't want to get a big head, but sometimes it's nice to be encouraged.

Then there was today . . . Mandatory "Fun" Day, as my buddy Josiah and I call it. It was actually the "Fire In the Night Outing". . . a required time of "fun" at the park early in the "morning" . . . 3 pm . . . which is usually when we are getting up. The park was pretty and all, and the sky was overcast and there was a cool breeze blowing, which was nice . . . but potato sack races and organized games? C'mon! Bleagh!

All of these memories kept floating to the surface the whole time . . . none of them good ones. I don't think I've ever liked those kind of games. Or organized sports in general. Even when I played soccer as a kid, I never really enjoyed it as much as everyone else. I always played the kid back by the goalie that just had to kick the ball as hard as he could so that all the players would run away down the field after it. We called it "fullback" back then . . . I think it's just "defender" now. Then there was the memory of dad making me join little league when I was a kid, and I didn't want to. I remember the first game, when they tried to get me to go bat, and I just sat in the dugout and cried, because I didn't want to be singled out like that and fail in front of everyone. I didn't mind playing outfield . . . I just didn't want the pressure of being at bat. I quit after that game. . . . actually in the middle of it, I think. 

That whole thing translated itself into an intense distaste for any competitive sports after that, because the only message I've ever received while attempting to play is one of anger or frustration at me because I'm not as good at it as they are. . . so I've, for the most part, avoided such things, and stuck to things I knew I could do. . . music, academics, etc.

Wow . . . fun revelation times . . . just so anyone knows, I'm not asking for pity or encouragement about this whole thing . . . I'm just talking about how something so simple brought up issues that I had completely forgotten about. . . Most people seems to not have the same issues with sports that I do. I have almost never found them encouraging in the slightest though . . . it's all about performance-based affection . . . I probably need to get over this, though . . . . it was strange, though, I reverted to old habits, today, though, in that while a bunch of people with whom I normally can have good conversations with and hang out and whatever, I just wanted to have nothing to do with them when they started playing sports. . . it was weird.

Anyway, enough with the rambling. blah.

Dad, I love You.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with all this.

Today made we want to just curl up in a corner

Or run away.

I felt no kinship with anyone.

I don't know.

Help me understand what You're wanting of me

by showing me these parts of me.

Thank You. I love You.

So be it.