"Relational Wholeness" / "Inner Healing"

I know what you're thinking.

No, seriously.

Everyone crying, hugging, blah, blah, blah.

OK, you're right. But it was seriously good. I feel . . . lighter . . . about certain things, about things I've carried around for years and never told anyone about . . . about wounds that I've received from various people that I've never fully let God heal because I wouldn't admit they really hurt.

It's not like it's an "OK, I'm instantly a completely new person" or whatever . . . it's a process . . . but I definitely confronted a lot of things I had just shoved down.

I seriously recommend it to anyone. . . if you ever have a chance to go to one (of course, one from a God-centered perspective. . . the one we went through is called "Foundations", and IHOP subsidiary).

Anyway . . . yeah . . . it was good.

Dad, I love You . . .

thank You that You love me

and want me to be whole

You love me the way I am . . .

You built me the way I am . . .

Help me to give up the things that aren't me . . .

And turn to You for my real identity.

Thank You . . . I love You so much!

So be it.

Fun times in trusting God

OK, so God is hilarious . . .

I had done a freelance web job that was going to pay me a significant amount of money, and I was supposed to get the check on March 31. Since I’m off in KC, my friend from LCU was going to get it and deposit it for me. He was the main contact for the job, and He subcontracted a portion of it to me. Anyways, this check was going to pay for all my expenses at home for April through July, and give me some spending money as well. It was the main reason I felt comfortable coming here, at least finance-wise . . .

Anyhoo . . . because of various stupid little problems it wouldn’t come in . . . It was always stuff that wasn’t really anyone’s fault. You know, honest mistakes and what not. Mail being returned, etc.

So, for the past two months, I’ve been watching the numbers in my bank account slowly go down, getting nervous, praying to God that He’ll get it taken care of, using my savings account money all up, while simultaneously just trying to trust in Him that He’s not going to let me down. I've definitely had some help from the church and from my Mom to stay afloat . . . if God hadn't have worked through them, I would have been much worse off.

So, today, I’m looking at my bank account balance, and I freak out, because it’s negative. Something cleared that I hadn’t expected . . . so I was at -$3.00. Luckily, I had 11 and some change left in my savings and I caught it soon enough that it won’t give me a bank charge (at least I hope not) . . .

But the fun part is . . . after I transfered the money from savings, I decide to see what made it go under . . . it was my monthly donation to a particular charity . . . then I keep looking down the list, and there, at the bottom, is the pending deposit for the check.

So, on the very last possible time it could go in without causing me to go under, on the day that giving money to God is what actually would have driven me under . . . the check finally shows up and gets deposited.

I just had to laugh. God’s probably up there, patting me on the head, saying, "See? I told you to just trust me."

Ah well. Fun times with the Big Guy.

Dad, thank You, thank You, thank You for Your provision

and teaching me that I am NOT in control.

{sigh} I have a hard time with that area.

Please help me to trust You more.

I love You.

So be it.

First movie in two months

It's weird how long I went without watching one.

Back home I probably watched about 5 a week.

huh.

Anyway, we went as a group to go see Prince Caspian. We kind of took over the theatre. It was awesome.

And the movie was awesome, too. It's amazing how every time I watch/read any of the Narnia series I see a new parallel to the story of Christ (or our lives in Him).

They could have done just fine to not put in the stupid romance side-plot, but oh well.

You should go see it, if You haven't already. It's worth it. :)

Dad, 

thank You for stories that lift the heart

and speak of You. 

You rock.

I love You.

So be it.

Lots of stuff and nothing at all

It's been a busy few days full of not-so-fun revelation but not much else. And our wireless router that we bum off of the neighbors has been iffy at best . . . so it's not been encouraging me to blog.

Anyhoo. . .

The not-so-fun revelations have been as follows:

1) I have an issue with spiritual pride

2) I, if given the opportunity, still desire my old ways . . . I still desire instant gratification instead of waiting and tarrying on the Lord

3) I get offended rather quickly about the ways God chooses to reveal himself to people. It doesn't fit within my "God-box" and so I don't like it.

Bleagh. yuck. I don't like these kind of weeks. I know they are good, but still, bleagh.

Dad, please help me with these areas

Give me the grace to be humble, 

and the desire to choose Your ways,

even when it doesn't seem like "fun",

and please help me to not be offended

when I see how You show Yourself to others.

Help me to love You and see You as You are.

I love You. Help me to love You more.

So be it.

A Note to all who read

After a phone conversation with a friend today, I feel I must clarify a few things . . . just to 1) alleviate concern and 2) discourage blind acceptance based on my opinion.

I understand that many of the topics I've been talking about over the past few weeks have been a bit out of my realm of experience and scriptural upbringing (and out of some of yours as well, I take it).

Don't think that I am not struggling with some of these things, and just accepting them blindly as just the coolest new idea to come around. I have been wrestling with them, and turning to scripture to provide the proper context for them. And one of the things I really appreciate about the staff here is that they encourage extensive personal Bible study time. . . and every teaching comes almost straight from scripture . . . if not, then greatly supported by a usually long list of scriptural references. One of the other things that reassures me is that everything revolves around a Sermon on the Mount lifestyle. . . a lifestyle of holiness. It is not about any one person, or getting rich (just look at the leader, Mike Bickle, who lives extremely simply, even after 30 years in the same ministry that sometimes brings in a lot of money).

That being said, people can make mistakes or be led astray. I understand this. But beyond anything else I see in Scripture, I see that God loves me. I also believe God lives inside me and gives me increasingly more discernment as I walk with Him, in the person of the Holy Spirit. If I can't trust in that, than I certainly can't trust in the Bible. 

And while everyone screams at me for a second . . .

If the Bible was written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, through men's hands . . . how different is that than the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me? Simple . . . it isn't. But since I trust in both, than the test is that the Spirit inside of me agrees with Spirit-breathed Scripture.

It is true, though, that man is fallible.

So, my second point. Please, please, please do not change your opinion on anything based on my opinion. I am endeavoring to listen to the Spirit and Scripture in all things . . . but I might fail. In other words, don't believe me simply because you know me and think that if I believe it, it must be true . . .

Hence . . . 

ALWAYS COMPARE WHAT I SAY WITH SCRIPTURE.

If it doesn't agree . . . let what I say fall to the ground. If it does . . . Amen. 

But . . . .

ALWAYS COMPARE WHAT YOU THINK WITH SCRIPTURE

You also are human. You also are fallible. You may be wrong. You may have been taught wrong. You may have mis-interpreted Scripture. There is enough differences of opinion around the earth about just about everything in the Bible that you can say with almost 100% accuracy that everyone has something wrong.

Scripture is the litmus test for all. No doubt.

Scripture is not, however, a way to justify what you already have preconceived in your head.

This is just as much for me as it is for anyone, by the way . . .

What it boils down to for me, though, is that I have to trust God. I have to trust that He loves me. I have to trust that He wants me to understand Him. I have to trust that He sent the Holy Spirit to live inside of me to partially, at least, help me with understanding Him. In simpler terms . . . I have to trust that God is a way better leader than I am a follower. If I am earnestly seeking after Him in the ways I see outlined in Scripture (prayer, Bible Study, fasting, receiving godly wisdom), than He will not leave me or forsake me. That He will lead me. That He will shepherd me.

I have to trust in God. It's the only thing I really have.

I think the Bible calls that faith. I could be wrong, though.

Dad, I earnestly want Your truth.

I want to know You for who You really are.

Help me to know Your Word.

Help me to hear the Spirit.

Help me not to be deceived.

I know You love me, and if I ask for bread,

You won't give me a stone.

So, please, give me

(and all those on this journey with me)

wisdom and understanding.

Thank You, Dad.

I love You.

So be it.

Proper Context

OK, I feel I must put my previous post in it's proper context, so as not to place undue emphasis on things.

1) Works are not the object . . . pursuing God (in Jesus) through faith is the object

2) Pursuit of perfection is the method (sermon on the mount)

3) The result of faith in God as pursued by sermon on the mount lifestyle is shown through works.

Healing

So we've had an incredible focus the last several days on God pouring out healing on His people. . . the IHOP family specifically, but also Christians in general.

It's kind of weird. I had a kind of Psalm 77 moment with God last night. We were focusing all six hours of the Nightwatch on praying for God to pour out healing (usually we do 2 hours of intercession, 2 hours of "worship with the Word", and then 2 more hours of intercession). At the very end of the night, about 5:45 or so, it was getting crazy intense. They asked for people in the room to stand if they needed healing, and I was praying with several other people around someone. . . and nothing was happening.

I started getting furious! God had promised us the power of the Holy Spirit living within us. I've seen documentaries on churches all over the world that have the power to heal people, even raising people from the dead on regular occasions. . . why the crap wasn't He listening to us . . . to me?! Where were his promises . . . did He just not like me?! He'd said that He was a good Father, that He gives good gifts . . . that if His children came to Him and asked Him for bread, He wouldn't give them a stone, or if they asked for fish, He wouldn't give them a snake. He said we just have to ask, and He would give us good gifts! Why isn't He being faithful to His promises?!

So . . . yeah . . . You might think that I'm a horrible person . . . but I actually kind of felt God's pleasure . . . sort of . . . I stepped over the line a bit, and definitely repented . . . but He was pleased that I was fervently pursuing it. . . that I wanted it so bad that I was angry and passionate about not having it. I could almost hear Him saying to me, "Good! That's what I'm looking for! Keep coming after Me! How bad do you want it?"

We seriously should have this . . . it should be Christianity 101. People in our bodies should NOT be living  in pain or illness. We find it so easy to believe that God can fix our souls, but not our bodies. What's wrong here!?

{sigh}

Then tonight . . . {giggle} . . . a young girl from the IHOP family (her parents were previously missionaries to Ecuador and Mexico) gave her testimony of her recent healing. I'll try and give the short version here . . .

For the last several months, she has been living in ridiculous amounts of pain. Her body has basically been eating itself up. It started with Hepatitis C, which she got in Ecuador as a child. Then it got compounded by something else, and her thyroid gave out, last year sometime. From there, everything else started failing, liver, lungs, etc. They had tried everything medically possible, and a bunch of people had prayed over her, to no avail. All the doctors were confused . . . they had no clue why it was happening. 

So then this revival healing meeting started breaking out in Lakeland, Florida last month . . . her parents had thought about going, but they were afraid to get her hopes up once again only for it not to work. Then  someone offered to pay for their way there. So they decided to go. Through a serious of things, they ended up being the last ones allowed in the building (thousands are coming each day - they are meeting in a baseball stadium), and the girl gets carried up to the platform by strangers, because her mom kind of freezes. In any case, the girl gets knocked out by the spirit when the main leader, Todd Bentley, prays over her, and she's out for 20-40 minutes, in which she has a vision where she's in an operating room, and Jesus is over her like an anesthesiologist just telling her to look into His eyes, and angels are working on her organs, repairing her. She wakes up, and she has absolutely no pain. She's perfectly healthy. 

And this is happening every night down there. But this is someone everyone here knows about, and has been praying for. Someone we knew was sick. Someone we can tell is well.

It's crazy. Actually it's not. We're crazy. This is normal Christianity.

My brain is so scrambled on this subject . . . not in a confused way, just trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me about it . . . . I could keep rambling on for hours about it . . . but I won't. :) At least I'll try not to.

Anyway, if You want to see some crazy stuff, check up on the Lakeland Revival and Todd Bentley, and if you want to get messed up, see if you can get ahold of the documentary "Finger of God" by Darren Wilson. A link to the preview for it is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljVKul8das.

Oh, and I'm fairly certain some of you are going to read this and think "Kris has now been brainwashed" or "Kris has gotten all IHOPPY" or "Kris is on crack" or even "Kris is now delving into heresy".

I humbly implore you to look at 3 very important facts from Scripture:  1) Jesus healed EVERYONE He came into contact with (many passages in Luke) . . . 2) If we truly are of and in real belief of Jesus as Saviour, we now have the living breathing Holy Spirit of God (a real part/personality of God) living inside of us . . . 3) Jesus said "you will do greater works than these" (John 14:12) . . . (ok 4) . . . 4) in all of Acts, no disciple ever actually did "greater works than these" . . . so that's still yet to come . . . so we should be able to do everything Jesus did right now.

And here I said I wasn't going to keep going on about this. {sigh}

OK, I'm done. 

Seriously.

Dad, . . . I'm almost shaking right now because I can't contain it.

Your people (me included) are so impotent.

We have a form of godliness but deny it's power.

. . .

OK, I just looked that one up (II Timothy 3:1-9), and that was a smack in the face.

. . .

Anyway, I love You!

Please help me to operate in Your fullness!

Fill me with all that You have for me!

Let Your perfect will be done in my life!

I love You . . . help me love You more!

So be it.