Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Traffic and Thanksgiving

Today, I, like many during this time, drove several hours from home to visit my family over the thanksgiving holidays. Normally, this is not anything that I terribly mind doing. I enjoy the time to myself to think, listen/sing to music turned up loud, or, if carpooling, enjoy good conversation. But today in my drive, after dropping off my good conversation buddy Justin, I was reminded of why I do not live in a large city: A 20-mile long, 1 hour traffic jam.

While I understand that many people put up with this every day twice a day, in Lubbock, we simply don't have them on any scale worth worrying about. Now, those who know me will probably concur that it's relatively hard to make me angry... I might get irritated for sure, but seriously angry... well, it takes a lot.

But for some reason, that traffic jam today pushed me over the edge. I was seething. I was ranting. I was shaking my hands in the air. I was livid. I was thinking of all the words I could possibly use to describe how much I hated traffic and could find none other than the guttural man-yell that rarely, if ever, escapes my lips. I wanted to do violent things to something inanimate. It was absolutely maddening.

It must be the outpouring of everything I've been going through the past few months. Failing at "making it" in freelance work and deciding to go back to work... leaving ministry for reasons which few understand and fewer still agree with, all the while missing it incredibly... complete uncertainty in relationships, both family, friendship and other... trying desperately to follow God when His only question to me is "how much will you give me?"... and not knowing how much more I can give... I have nothing. No money, no pride, no heart, no dreams, no success, no holiness. I have nothing to give. I am empty. I am not in control of my life. And it hurts. Oh, it hurts.

So when I finally reached my mom's house, I was still so angry, full of ungratefulness and a hardened heart. Why? Why must my life be so unresolved? Why can't my life be more like those people that actually get what they try for, and put in half the amount of effort I do?

And then I read a friend's blog... and it spoke of thankfulness for the harvest in others amidst a time when her own harvest had not yet come...

... and I was, indeed still am, cut to the core by it...

I realized I had been giving up on the hope of things to come and just been trodden down with the weight of the "now". I have resented that I must give up these things... as if I am an undeserving victim... I have become an arrogant fool who thinks more of himself than he ought...

The truth is, I have much to be thankful for. In these times of financial hardship, I have never gone hungry. Friends and family have come to my aid in ways that they really should not have. My old boss was able to bring me back on in a capacity that seems almost illogical to even think of, and yet is exactly what I need. In the midst of feeling the need to not "go to church" on Sundays, I have been continually blessed with opportunities to "be church", over and over again showing me church outside of walls. And even in misunderstanding, hesitancy, and uncertainty, I know my friends and family still love me.

In all of this I can see the hand of God, gently trying to lead me to know a deeper thanksgiving... not for these things, for physical, emotional or relational blessings... but for their lack... to truly be able to say "Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be Your name, Jesus."... the Lord is SO good to me... in spite of, and, really, inside all of these troubles.

Forgive me, Lord, for my grumbling.
Forgive me for my selfishness.
I. Deserve. Nothing.
Anything you choose to give me is a blessing.
Thank You, Lord, for having no money and being forced to depend on others.
Thank You, Lord, for my failure, because in it, I learn humility.
Thank You, Lord, for relationships that hurt so deeply, yet draw me to Your heart.
Thank You, Lord, for making me give up "my" ministry so I could see Yours.
Thank You, Lord, uncertainty, for it makes me look to You.
Thank you, Lord, ... sigh... for traffic jams.

2 comments:

Traci said...

*SIGH*

Amanda said...

Haha two comments in one strike!

The fourth paragraph is exactly the way I felt when I made the decision to leave ministry last year. It gets better with time. :) I've found you have to mourn the passings in your life.

This is yet again a post that is encouraging to me!