Once again another interesting day

So I woke up two hours early this morning in a terrifying nightmare of a guy trying to take my eyes from me . . . 

. . . that was AWESOME, let me tell you . . . {please note the sarcasm}

and then the message at church was about the light of our eyes . . . basically that pornography, lust, and immorality (and the tolerance of such things within our church bodies) is what starts everything bad in the church today. . . I'm obviously giving the condensed version . . .

Here's the part that starts to get me. He basically was saying that there is a way to defeat the flesh in these areas, but it takes a few things.

1) A knowledge deep inside of who REALLY lives inside of us. The very fact that the entirety of the Living God lives inside us and works through us should make it impossible for us to sin

 . . .  check . . .

2) We need to meditate on the Word . . . easy enough, but more than the word studies or whatever, but actually letting it permeate into our souls and falling in love with the Word like David, and realizing that is good

. . . check . . .

3) We need to communicate with the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us . . . He is a living being with a name, personality, etc . . . not some vague frothy thing . . . and He likes to talk to us, and it seems that He loves to help us out when we ask for His help.

. . . a slightly new idea, but check . . .

4) How we get power in our lives is by praying in the Spirit, specifically in tongues/prayer language/etc. Paul did it regularly and so we should all do it.

. . . umm . . . here's where I start to have issue. I have never heard a good scriptural basis for prayer language. It's always experiential . . . as in, "you just have to experience it". That simply doesn't convince me. And what I see of tongues in Scriptures always seems to be actual languages.

So, anyway . . . they gave this big invitation at the end . . . and a ton of people went forward to be prayed for . . . and they're all laying hands and people swaying and lots of noise . . . and I'm standing back at my chair, struggling. I totally want all of what the Lord has for us. I understand that I have not been operating in the power that I should have according to what Jesus said . . . as in "you will do greater works than these (or I did)". But the logic jumps on the last point just drive me crazy . . . plus, the scene up front looks ridiculous!? Like a complete emotion-driven hysteria.

So, I'm struggling with this, basically telling the Spirit . . . "if this is true, i want it, but I really don't want it because it looks ridiculous. I don't want to join in to something that appears silly to me. I'm honestly afraid of You, Spirit, because I don't really want this ridiculousness that, according to this guy, goes along with living in the power of Your Grace . . . but if You want me to have it, well, fine. Just please please don't embarrass me."

Then the preacher, who's down praying for and over people, looks straight at me and motions me to come forward. .  . there's gotta be 200 or more people up front, and he didn't do this to anyone else in the room.

I kind of look away, because the scene just looks ridiculous. I told God, "if this is supposed to happen, make him come out to me." So a few minutes go by, and he works himself through the crowd, praying for people . . . and I sit down, and kind of forget about it. . . and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me. There's still a good hundred people up front, and the music is still going, and I'm serious, he didn't come back to the seats for anyone else.

So he tells me, essentially . . . "Your heart is tender before God, but you need to get over yourself, and just step up and step out into God." Then he prays for me, basically just that I'll be filled with the Spirit and such, and then walks away.

. . . so, yeah . . . I'm kinda confused by this whole thing . . .

plus, I'm sick, which is AWESOME!! . . . {once again, catch the sarcasm}

and I have vocal/guitar tryouts tomorrow . . . at 2pm, which is when we normally wake up. . . so less sleep . . . so yeah.

Dad, I love you, but I'm so confused right now

Please send someone or some revelation that

helps me understand what's going on.

I feel like based on everything that's going on 

either all of it's right, or it's all based on a lie

and I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way.

But I want You. I want all of You. I'm just scared.

I don't understand it.

But I love You. Help me to trust You.

So be it.

Update . . . I can't think of a good title

So it's been good the last few days . . . interesting if nothing else.

Yesterday afternoon (Friday about 9-10pm for most normal people), one of the worship leaders went into what they would call a "prophetic worship" time, basically having light music going while singing a stream-of-thought "prophetic word" on top of it. This happens a lot, actually, and I tend to just take it stride. . . but this time, it seemed like she was talking specifically to me.

It was strange . . . but I was basically weeping for almost half an hour. Not like loud sobbing or anything, but definitely weeping. It was crazy, but good.

I don't know really what to think right now about a lot of things . . . and I don't think that's bad . . . I'm really just trying to let the Spirit lead me through the scriptures into truth.

So . . . yeah . . .

Dad, I love You.

I know You've been steadily revealing Yourself to me

Even if I don't really understand what You've said

or even consciously known that You've said it.

Help me to have wisdom and understanding

And to come to know You more.

Thank you for my Sabbath tomorrow . . .

You have no idea how tired I am . . . 

ok, so maybe You do . . .

Anyway, thank You for it.

I love You.

So be it.

Nickname Petition

So I thought it couldn't get any worse than "curly Kris".

Well, apparently, my roommates, upon thinking up nicknames for everyone, decided to name me . . .

. . . get this . . .

"Tex"

What in the world?! I am like the least Texan person ever!? But they aren't budging on it, no matter how much I plead.

So, here's the deal . . . if anyone would like to spearhead this . . . I would be forever grateful. :)

They have agreed if I get one hundred (100) actual signatures on a petition to change my nickname, each with reasons why I am most definitely not suited for being stereotyped with Texas, and a suggestion for another nickname, then they will stop calling me "Tex".

Please.

Help me.

At least they have something . . .

After the Burger King fiasco, I had almost lost hope.

God could not be here. (Please note the total sarcasm)

I didn't think it could get any worse . . .

And then they went out of there way . . .

AND TOTALLY REDEEMED THEMSELVES!!!

Today's Dinner item in the IHOP intern cafeteria:

Grilled Mahi mahi with pineapple salsa.

Oh, my goodness.

It hasn't tasted like that since I had it in California. It was refreshingly surprising on three levels: 1) Mahi mahi in a cafeteria . . . an intern cafeteria . . . where you expect sloppy joes on a regular basis
2) Mahi Mahi in Kansas City, MO. . . almost 1000 miles from the nearest ocean.
3) They knew how to cook it

All joking aside, the food here is, well, good. I haven't had a meal yet that I didn't almost thoroughly enjoy. And I've probably eaten more vegetables in the past week then the past 5 or 6 months. It's awesome.

Dad, thank You for Your grace
especially in giving me good food to eat
when all i need is something for energy
but You make it taste awesome!
Thank you for allowing some good
small things that help keep my spirits up.
You rock.
So be it.

An Utter Travesty . . .

So, I'm goin' to go get dinner at Burger King, right . . . because I'm thinking about that delightfully calorie-laden monstrosity of tastefulness that is the Texas Double Whopper. You know what I'm talkin' about . . . the two flame-broiled patties, the veggies, the cheese, the bacon, and the perfectly spicy jalepenos . . . my mouth is watering right now.

So I get the Burger King, right? And I pull up to the drive through.

No

Texas

Double

Whopper

OK, so I'm breathin' hard, trying to get a grip on reality . . . and it occurs to me, "OK, you're not in Texas, so that makes sense . . . but you should be able to add things to your burger." I mean, it is the "have it your way" Burger King place, am I right?

So, I order the double whopper with cheese, and add jalapenos, and the response comes back . . .

"Sir, we don't have jalapenos here."

{insert stunned silence here}

What?!

Are You Kidding me?

Toto, I don't think I'm in Texas anymore.

So anyway . . .

So today was our first day on a "normal" schedule, which means not much until 10:00 pm. Which is kinda cool. I got to get out and go to Wally World, and work on the dreads . . . which takes about 2 hours. Now I'm about to go get dinner, and then chill for a bit until class at 10.

It's been strange the last few days . . . I've been reading a lot in the Word, and really trying to press in, but I'm just "not feeling it". . . I have so many questions about the very basis on which this place sets its foundation, that it's hard for me to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm really trying to isolate the presence of God from their rituals, and concentrate on the stuff I know is good.

I don't know. I don't feel as "angry" about it as the time of my last blog, but more disconnected. I have trouble singing along right now and really joining in with everyone else. 

Well, now it's time for dinner . . . yea!

SCHEDULEES! AAAUGHGHGAUG!#$%!#$!!

So we've been given addendum to our schedules . . . and it's all incredibly confusing . . . it really doesn't add anything as far as time . . . it just adds complications to the current one. It's like . . . "here's your schedule, except for these days, and this is different on these weeks, and on these specific dates you have to do this, etc." 

While I appreciate scheduling . . . they couldn't make it more difficult. It took all of us two hours to compile them into a single schedule . . . and I'm still not sure I got it all.

{sigh} oh well.

Also, those of you reading, I would appreciate prayers regarding something. Tonight was very difficult for me, since there's lots of things they are telling us and just kind of glossing over that just don't sit well with me . . . usually nothing very big, but things that just raise warning flags in my mind . . . so the end result is me finding it hard to believe anything they really put forth. I truly want to search out God and find the real Him, and if that includes the things they teach, then so be it . . . but some of it really just seems like it directly contradicts or misinterprets Scripture. And that really bothers me. I want to be in unity with the people here, and so have not raised most of my concerns to anyone here, but I cannot abide anything but the absolute truth. . . and I really need help in discerning truth from half-truth, whether I'm the one with the half truth or whatever. . . anyway . . .

Dad, I love You so much,

And I know You love me

Show me even more the depths and width and height of Your love

Help me to know the truth

And stand for it when I know it

And not compromise

So be it.

P.S. I think my dream was a version of Song of Songs . . . .