Broken

So I've started this particular post about five times now, and nothing rings true. I keep trying to write about something encouraging, something beautiful, something... uplifting. But it simply isn't where I am right now. My heart is not encouraged.

(sigh)

I know I am blessed beyond all measure. I have seen God's provision so much the past few months, mostly through family and friends that have given from their heart. And in the past few days I have started back to a normal-ish job, again, a circumstance provided by God in a way in which I could not have imagined to ask. I have an abundance of friends that truly do care about me, and a family that is good enough not to ask questions that would hurt too much to explain.

I eat more than my share of food. Sleep in a comfortable bed. I just packed up more than half of my t-shirt collection, and still have enough to wear a different one each day and not wash any for over a month. I get to choose what shoes I wear. I am sitting here typing on a computer that connects me with friends across the country, even across the globe, daily.

I am blessed beyond all measure.

And I don't feel a thing, at least not anything warm, or fuzzy, or whatever. I feel only the pain, the frustration, the loneliness, and the grief.

(sigh) I am so selfish.

Lord, I need so much more of You! Even that statement betrays my selfishness... I need more of Him. Gimme, gimme. I'm treating Him as if He must serve me... how backwards my heart is.

Lord, please help my heart to look to You... not for anything You can give me... but simply for You.

I know that I am nothing, and You need nothing from me.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

So anything I offer You is worthless in itself.

I can do nothing without You.

You sustain me and raise me to my feet.

You give me strength to keep walking when I have none left in me.

But I know that I am nothing... and deserve nothing from You.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

The smallest gift You give is more valuable than anything in this world.

You can do all things without me, even in spite of me.

You need no one to sustain Yourself.

You have all strength within You.

Yet You love me. You are the Servant of all.

In Your service, You show me that to give is better than to receive.

So your desire for my gift, my "service" is not for it's own worth

It is for my better. It is better to serve than to be served.

And in me becoming more like You, the Servant of all, You are glorified.

As I look back at where this post started, I don't really know where I was going with any of it. It seems I am a broken record lately. Or broken, at least. I chuckle at that, because that theme seems to be running through my life lately, even being chosen as the theme for a large summer camp I help create the visual experience (videos/sound/music) for.

I have nothing to give. Everything I thought I had to offer is dross. All my life seems to always come to nothing. Only He is worth anything, and He is all I have left.

I'm trusting in You, Lord, to help me pick up the pieces. 'Cause I have no idea what I'm doing.

But I love You, and I hope that is enough...