Christmas music

Those who know me well will know of my somewhat conflicted relationship with Christmas and Christmas music. It's not that I don't like Christmas... it's that I don't like it. I mean, I love being with family and remembering the coming of our Saviour, I just don't like "Christmas". It's a bastardized version of something that should have so much more meaning. At least in the world I know. And so much of popular Christmas music makes it even worse... it's so cheery and happy about nothing... about frivolities of snow and warm cozy emptiness. And don't even get me started on Santa (sorry Curt).

Have I offended everyone's sensibilities yet? :)

So I have been trying, this year, to simply take it all in stride, and let it be a cheery, happy, empty time and enjoy it for what it is, and not get angry about it's violation of the depth and meaning and wonder and beauty of God with us, coming to earth to take on human flesh, live a human life, feel pain, sorrow, emptiness, joy, peace, relationship and love and ultimately die an excruciating death so that we might be reconciled to Him.

Trying, I emphasize...

So, in this attempt to cheer myself, I have been playing Christmas music lately, and trying to "get into the Christmas spirit". As such, as I was driving to Arlington tonight to spend time with my mom, step-dad and brother for Christmas, I had my Christmas music playlist on. It primarily consists of Future of Forestry's "Advent Christmas EP" (Thanks to Harlan, btw, for introducing me to my new favorite band), Bebo Norman's "Christmas... From the Realms of Glory", Shane & Shane's "Glory in the Highest", and Sufjan Stevens' "Songs for Christmas" (Volumes 1-5), as well a few random singles.

And, for the first time ever, I was brought to tears by a Christmas song, driving down the road.

It could be my tumultuous last 6 months that seem to have come to a head the past few weeks, but as I was listening to Future of Forestry's version of "Little Drummer Boy" something about the honesty of the song really hit me. I think I had to hear it without the connotation of it's normal packaging... a somewhat wooden thing really focused around a military drum sound. The FoF version was more melodic in nature, and I, for the first time, really listened to the words.

I will eliminate the "pa rum pum pums" to illustrate my point better:

Come they told me,

A new born King to see,

Our finest gifts we bring,

To lay before the King,

So to honor Him,

When we come.

Little Baby,

I am a poor boy too,

I have no gift to bring,

That's fit to give the King,

Shall I play for you,

On my drum?

Mary nodded,

The ox and lamb kept time,

I played my drum for Him,

I played my best for Him,

Then He smiled at me,

Me and my drum

Did you see it? Can you visualize the story? I know it's just a song, but could you just imagine? That little boy is all of us!! A poor boy sitting with his only possession, his livelihood perhaps? Maybe just a little toy drum? And people come up to us... so excited... "We're going to see the newborn King! We've got all this finery, all of this expensive stuff to give Him so we can honor Him when we get there."

Oh, and the beauty of this little child! He is so deserving of the finest of everything... but then, the sadness hits our little heart. We have nothing to give him. Oh, the shame! He is so deserving of honor, but we have nothing... except, maybe all that we have... "can I play for Him, ma'am? I'm not very good, but it's all I can do."

His beautiful mother, so kind and full of grace, nods her head slightly with a quiet smile, and we start playing... "pa rum pa pum pum... pa rum pa pum pum... pa rum pa pum pum". Her smile broadens. The animals even start getting into it... we can almost hear an orchestra start playing along in our head... it seems like the universe is accompanying our pathetic attempt at playing our little toy drum. But is all we know how to do, so we play that little toy drum the best that we can.

And, as we look into the baby's solemn eyes, those eyes that somehow hold the vastness of time and yet the most intimate love, He looks up at us, and smiles.

Broken

So I've started this particular post about five times now, and nothing rings true. I keep trying to write about something encouraging, something beautiful, something... uplifting. But it simply isn't where I am right now. My heart is not encouraged.

(sigh)

I know I am blessed beyond all measure. I have seen God's provision so much the past few months, mostly through family and friends that have given from their heart. And in the past few days I have started back to a normal-ish job, again, a circumstance provided by God in a way in which I could not have imagined to ask. I have an abundance of friends that truly do care about me, and a family that is good enough not to ask questions that would hurt too much to explain.

I eat more than my share of food. Sleep in a comfortable bed. I just packed up more than half of my t-shirt collection, and still have enough to wear a different one each day and not wash any for over a month. I get to choose what shoes I wear. I am sitting here typing on a computer that connects me with friends across the country, even across the globe, daily.

I am blessed beyond all measure.

And I don't feel a thing, at least not anything warm, or fuzzy, or whatever. I feel only the pain, the frustration, the loneliness, and the grief.

(sigh) I am so selfish.

Lord, I need so much more of You! Even that statement betrays my selfishness... I need more of Him. Gimme, gimme. I'm treating Him as if He must serve me... how backwards my heart is.

Lord, please help my heart to look to You... not for anything You can give me... but simply for You.

I know that I am nothing, and You need nothing from me.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

So anything I offer You is worthless in itself.

I can do nothing without You.

You sustain me and raise me to my feet.

You give me strength to keep walking when I have none left in me.

But I know that I am nothing... and deserve nothing from You.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

The smallest gift You give is more valuable than anything in this world.

You can do all things without me, even in spite of me.

You need no one to sustain Yourself.

You have all strength within You.

Yet You love me. You are the Servant of all.

In Your service, You show me that to give is better than to receive.

So your desire for my gift, my "service" is not for it's own worth

It is for my better. It is better to serve than to be served.

And in me becoming more like You, the Servant of all, You are glorified.

As I look back at where this post started, I don't really know where I was going with any of it. It seems I am a broken record lately. Or broken, at least. I chuckle at that, because that theme seems to be running through my life lately, even being chosen as the theme for a large summer camp I help create the visual experience (videos/sound/music) for.

I have nothing to give. Everything I thought I had to offer is dross. All my life seems to always come to nothing. Only He is worth anything, and He is all I have left.

I'm trusting in You, Lord, to help me pick up the pieces. 'Cause I have no idea what I'm doing.

But I love You, and I hope that is enough...