Continually Bearing Christ, or at least trying to

Christmas music

2009-12-24T00:18:00.002-06:00

Those who know me well will know of my somewhat conflicted relationship with Christmas and Christmas music. It's not that I don't like Christmas... it's that I don't like it. I mean, I love being with family and remembering the coming of our Saviour, I just don't like "Christmas". It's a bastardized version of something that should have so much more meaning. At least in the world I know. And so much of popular Christmas music makes it even worse... it's so cheery and happy about nothing... about frivolities of snow and warm cozy emptiness. And don't even get me started on Santa (sorry Curt).

Have I offended everyone's sensibilities yet? :)

So I have been trying, this year, to simply take it all in stride, and let it be a cheery, happy, empty time and enjoy it for what it is, and not get angry about it's violation of the depth and meaning and wonder and beauty of God with us, coming to earth to take on human flesh, live a human life, feel pain, sorrow, emptiness, joy, peace, relationship and love and ultimately die an excruciating death so that we might be reconciled to Him.

Trying, I emphasize...

So, in this attempt to cheer myself, I have been playing Christmas music lately, and trying to "get into the Christmas spirit". As such, as I was driving to Arlington tonight to spend time with my mom, step-dad and brother for Christmas, I had my Christmas music playlist on. It primarily consists of Future of Forestry's "Advent Christmas EP" (Thanks to Harlan, btw, for introducing me to my new favorite band), Bebo Norman's "Christmas... From the Realms of Glory", Shane & Shane's "Glory in the Highest", and Sufjan Stevens' "Songs for Christmas" (Volumes 1-5), as well a few random singles.

And, for the first time ever, I was brought to tears by a Christmas song, driving down the road.

It could be my tumultuous last 6 months that seem to have come to a head the past few weeks, but as I was listening to Future of Forestry's version of "Little Drummer Boy" something about the honesty of the song really hit me. I think I had to hear it without the connotation of it's normal packaging... a somewhat wooden thing really focused around a military drum sound. The FoF version was more melodic in nature, and I, for the first time, really listened to the words.

I will eliminate the "pa rum pum pums" to illustrate my point better:

Come they told me,

A new born King to see,

Our finest gifts we bring,

To lay before the King,

So to honor Him,

When we come.

Little Baby,

I am a poor boy too,

I have no gift to bring,

That's fit to give the King,

Shall I play for you,

On my drum?

Mary nodded,

The ox and lamb kept time,

I played my drum for Him,

I played my best for Him,

Then He smiled at me,

Me and my drum

Did you see it? Can you visualize the story? I know it's just a song, but could you just imagine? That little boy is all of us!! A poor boy sitting with his only possession, his livelihood perhaps? Maybe just a little toy drum? And people come up to us... so excited... "We're going to see the newborn King! We've got all this finery, all of this expensive stuff to give Him so we can honor Him when we get there."

Oh, and the beauty of this little child! He is so deserving of the finest of everything... but then, the sadness hits our little heart. We have nothing to give him. Oh, the shame! He is so deserving of honor, but we have nothing... except, maybe all that we have... "can I play for Him, ma'am? I'm not very good, but it's all I can do."

His beautiful mother, so kind and full of grace, nods her head slightly with a quiet smile, and we start playing... "pa rum pa pum pum... pa rum pa pum pum... pa rum pa pum pum". Her smile broadens. The animals even start getting into it... we can almost hear an orchestra start playing along in our head... it seems like the universe is accompanying our pathetic attempt at playing our little toy drum. But is all we know how to do, so we play that little toy drum the best that we can.

And, as we look into the baby's solemn eyes, those eyes that somehow hold the vastness of time and yet the most intimate love, He looks up at us, and smiles.

Broken

2009-12-02T23:14:00.004-06:00

So I've started this particular post about five times now, and nothing rings true. I keep trying to write about something encouraging, something beautiful, something... uplifting. But it simply isn't where I am right now. My heart is not encouraged.

(sigh)

I know I am blessed beyond all measure. I have seen God's provision so much the past few months, mostly through family and friends that have given from their heart. And in the past few days I have started back to a normal-ish job, again, a circumstance provided by God in a way in which I could not have imagined to ask. I have an abundance of friends that truly do care about me, and a family that is good enough not to ask questions that would hurt too much to explain.

I eat more than my share of food. Sleep in a comfortable bed. I just packed up more than half of my t-shirt collection, and still have enough to wear a different one each day and not wash any for over a month. I get to choose what shoes I wear. I am sitting here typing on a computer that connects me with friends across the country, even across the globe, daily.

I am blessed beyond all measure.

And I don't feel a thing, at least not anything warm, or fuzzy, or whatever. I feel only the pain, the frustration, the loneliness, and the grief.

(sigh) I am so selfish.

Lord, I need so much more of You! Even that statement betrays my selfishness... I need more of Him. Gimme, gimme. I'm treating Him as if He must serve me... how backwards my heart is.

Lord, please help my heart to look to You... not for anything You can give me... but simply for You.

I know that I am nothing, and You need nothing from me.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

So anything I offer You is worthless in itself.

I can do nothing without You.

You sustain me and raise me to my feet.

You give me strength to keep walking when I have none left in me.

But I know that I am nothing... and deserve nothing from You.

You are all sufficient, and I am all insufficient.

The smallest gift You give is more valuable than anything in this world.

You can do all things without me, even in spite of me.

You need no one to sustain Yourself.

You have all strength within You.

Yet You love me. You are the Servant of all.

In Your service, You show me that to give is better than to receive.

So your desire for my gift, my "service" is not for it's own worth

It is for my better. It is better to serve than to be served.

And in me becoming more like You, the Servant of all, You are glorified.

As I look back at where this post started, I don't really know where I was going with any of it. It seems I am a broken record lately. Or broken, at least. I chuckle at that, because that theme seems to be running through my life lately, even being chosen as the theme for a large summer camp I help create the visual experience (videos/sound/music) for.

I have nothing to give. Everything I thought I had to offer is dross. All my life seems to always come to nothing. Only He is worth anything, and He is all I have left.

I'm trusting in You, Lord, to help me pick up the pieces. 'Cause I have no idea what I'm doing.

But I love You, and I hope that is enough...

Traffic and Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T22:30:00.003-06:00

Today, I, like many during this time, drove several hours from home to visit my family over the thanksgiving holidays. Normally, this is not anything that I terribly mind doing. I enjoy the time to myself to think, listen/sing to music turned up loud, or, if carpooling, enjoy good conversation. But today in my drive, after dropping off my good conversation buddy Justin, I was reminded of why I do not live in a large city: A 20-mile long, 1 hour traffic jam.

While I understand that many people put up with this every day twice a day, in Lubbock, we simply don't have them on any scale worth worrying about. Now, those who know me will probably concur that it's relatively hard to make me angry... I might get irritated for sure, but seriously angry... well, it takes a lot.

But for some reason, that traffic jam today pushed me over the edge. I was seething. I was ranting. I was shaking my hands in the air. I was livid. I was thinking of all the words I could possibly use to describe how much I hated traffic and could find none other than the guttural man-yell that rarely, if ever, escapes my lips. I wanted to do violent things to something inanimate. It was absolutely maddening.

It must be the outpouring of everything I've been going through the past few months. Failing at "making it" in freelance work and deciding to go back to work... leaving ministry for reasons which few understand and fewer still agree with, all the while missing it incredibly... complete uncertainty in relationships, both family, friendship and other... trying desperately to follow God when His only question to me is "how much will you give me?"... and not knowing how much more I can give... I have nothing. No money, no pride, no heart, no dreams, no success, no holiness. I have nothing to give. I am empty. I am not in control of my life. And it hurts. Oh, it hurts.

So when I finally reached my mom's house, I was still so angry, full of ungratefulness and a hardened heart. Why? Why must my life be so unresolved? Why can't my life be more like those people that actually get what they try for, and put in half the amount of effort I do?

And then I read a friend's blog... and it spoke of thankfulness for the harvest in others amidst a time when her own harvest had not yet come...

... and I was, indeed still am, cut to the core by it...

I realized I had been giving up on the hope of things to come and just been trodden down with the weight of the "now". I have resented that I must give up these things... as if I am an undeserving victim... I have become an arrogant fool who thinks more of himself than he ought...

The truth is, I have much to be thankful for. In these times of financial hardship, I have never gone hungry. Friends and family have come to my aid in ways that they really should not have. My old boss was able to bring me back on in a capacity that seems almost illogical to even think of, and yet is exactly what I need. In the midst of feeling the need to not "go to church" on Sundays, I have been continually blessed with opportunities to "be church", over and over again showing me church outside of walls. And even in misunderstanding, hesitancy, and uncertainty, I know my friends and family still love me.

In all of this I can see the hand of God, gently trying to lead me to know a deeper thanksgiving... not for these things, for physical, emotional or relational blessings... but for their lack... to truly be able to say "Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be Your name, Jesus."... the Lord is SO good to me... in spite of, and, really, inside all of these troubles.

Forgive me, Lord, for my grumbling.

Forgive me for my selfishness.

I. Deserve. Nothing.

Anything you choose to give me is a blessing.

Thank You, Lord, for having no money and being forced to depend on others.

Thank You, Lord, for my failure, because in it, I learn humility.

Thank You, Lord, for relationships that hurt so deeply, yet draw me to Your heart.

Thank You, Lord, for making me give up "my" ministry so I could see Yours.

Thank You, Lord, uncertainty, for it makes me look to You.

Thank you, Lord, ... sigh... for traffic jams.

Last Day (and the unknown ahead)

2009-09-28T12:36:00.002-05:00

So yesterday was my last day at St. Luke's Southwest in Lubbock. And I don't know what to think.

God as been leading me in a strange direction the past few months. In a direction I am definitely not comfortable in. A direction completely foreign to me. One in which church is not a "Jesus show" on Sunday mornings consisting of men on a platform performing for people sitting down below, whether in song or rhetoric, asking that the Spirit flow through our actions. No, He is leading me to a church that is 24-7, to one of every member functioning, of being their part of the body of Christ, of one in which no one person is a "movie star" but instead shines all light toward the glory of Christ . . . To a church that encourages each other to actually grow . . .

And yet, I see how God did chooses to work in our present American commercialized church paradigm . . . how He will use what we give Him, because of His grace . . . but for some reason, He gave me a glimpse of something so much better, so much deeper . . . and yet, I have no idea how to get there . . .

"Light my way

Open my eyes

Won't You go before me?"

-Dallas Stevens III

So, my last day. As a small group of people prayed for me after the service, I was at once touched and hurt by it . . . and I can't put my finger on exactly why it hurt . . . It wasn't pain at leaving, as callous as that sounds. I will miss a number of people there, but I know God was leading me away. No, it was a pain of something, maybe a recognition that it takes someone leaving for them to be prayed for. . . that this type of encouragement should be going on everyday for everyone . . .

I don't know. I have been plugged into the American church machine for so long, I don't really know what it looks like outside. I am almost afraid. I have no grid for real church. When I hear the word, "church", I still think of a building that people meet in every weekend to have a service where someone talks at you for up to an hour and we sing songs that are either devoid of life, or glorying in emotion. . .

Sorry, cynical Kris took over there for a minute . . .

So Lord, lead me home

Lead me to a place where I find You

Lead me to others who want You alone

Not a show

Not a power

Not a calling

Not a mission statement

Not a program

Not a well-turned phrase

Not a clever 3-point box

but You

and You alone.

A reflection on the nature of "love" . . .

2009-08-14T02:33:00.003-05:00

What follows is no new thoughts, no new insights . . . just one lonely person's rambling in the night, trying to figure himself out: at times the hopeless romantic, at times the realist. What follows is a discussion with . . . myself.

So, as established in a few previous blogs, I am a hopeless romantic. I am a dreamer. I write sappy love songs to the object of my affection, albeit, so far, none have ever actually heard said love songs. I dream of her night and day, decline to eat because it holds no savour, decline to work because it holds no purpose. I desire the fairy tale relationship, the rose-colored glasses, etc., etc.

But how realistic is such a relationship? The unfortunate realist in me must acknowledge that is really isn't. At all. Love is messy. It's not easy. It's not all peaces and cream. It's not like the movies, it's not like the valentine's day cards.

But it's not emotionless, either. Passion (not sex) for another individual can be quite genuine. In fact, it seems to me that real love could be the prerequisite for passion; that all-encompassing emotional response that has no quantifiable objective other than to feel strong . . . somethings . . . toward another.

But is passion a valid basis for a relationship? While the world at large, collectively, seems to be shouting a resounding "yes", I would bet that most people, if honestly asked, would disagree. Passion can be fleeting . . . especially if that passion has no basis in anything other than physical or emotional attraction. People change; physically, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually . . . and if the passion is based on any of those things . . . it is doomed to wither and die.

No. Love. Real, honest, love is choice. It is choosing to actively love (v.) another person. Committing that nothing, no matter what, will ever change the way I treat you. People say it all the time in wedding vows, and are so happy to because of the hormones racing through their blood; "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." But very few really consider the cost of such a vow, if indeed they mean to keep it.

But is commitment without passion worth it? I hesitate, but I would say "no". However, I think that but perhaps honest commitment results in passion. What we choose to actively love inevitably creates emotional attachment in our hearts. When we decide to act towards someone with their best interest above our own, that sacrifice breaks something within us . . . it breaks down our god-complex and makes our reality no longer revolve around us. It may come slowly, but I believe that when we love (v.) it can turn into love (n.).

But is that emotion even worth it? To open yourself up to such pain? To such vulnerability to rejection? Oh, the thought makes me cringe. I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and shut the world out.

And how do we justify those other passions? Can we? Is it wrong to feel your stomach go in knots when the girl you're "head over heels for" walks by? Is it wrong to feel physical attraction to someone? To be knocked speechless by beauty? It's hard to say. . . we've so corrupted those feelings. Are these transient, experiential, feelings a justifiable reason to begin a relationship?

I don't know. I want to say "yes", but I have a hard time with that. I don't feel like it's an honest answer. And yet these signs of passion are the things I desire with every fiber of my being. How can I desire them so, when every brain cell tells me that in the end, they are meaningless? Am I so corrupted? Am I so backwards?

I suppose the answer would be that they are inseparable, when viewed correctly. We are beings of multiplicity . . . of body, of mind, of will, of emotion, of spirit. . . and all would, ideally, be involved in the truest acts of love.

While I abhor the use of Christ as an example to justify my own ideas, I must say it seems to fit in this instance. Christ, as He died for us, fulfilled all of love. He is Love. He defines it. So, what do I see at the cross? I see a God-man who made the choice to die . . . to give up his body, actively submitting His will to the Father for the sake of the people, refusing to let His mind convince Him otherwise, passionately crying out for the forgiveness of those who pierced Him, even letting His spirit take on ALL eternal consequence for EVERY thing ever done to miss the mark of His Father's perfection. I see Him loving us with every shred of His existence.

Perhaps romantic love is simply a picture that points at this, the supreme example of Love. However imperfect our love is, however flawed, however damaged, however corrupted we have made it, it still points toward the source of what could be. Can I love like Him? Can I put aside everything of me for the sake of another?

Honestly, it doesn't seem realistic. Or romantic.

Set switch time at Rock the Desert

2009-08-08T20:45:00.001-05:00

So I'm sitting here at Rock the Desert, Leeland just finished and Chris Tomlin is up next, and I figured I'd give this blogging app for the iPhone a try.

So far, it's been hot and fun. But it's interesting seeing the music from a different point of view... Even last year, I would have been more into the "worship"-focused music, but thus year, for some reason, it all rings false in my ear. That's a strange thing for a "worship leader" to feel. But it seems to miss the point at these types of gatherings even more than typical cheesy christian muisc does.

They say, "it's all for you, Jesus", but logically speaking, how can it be? They receive a substantial check for singing all of these songs, people paid all this money for a show... And they get one... How is that "all about Jesus"?

I don't know, perhaps I'm turning into a cynical old man, but it just doesn't seem like worship at all, at least not of Jesus... It's a monument to something else entirely. I'm not saying that Christian music is bad . . . JI actually like a lot of it... Just be honest about what you're doing and saying.

It's been awhile

2008-09-28T02:00:00.003-05:00

Because I realize how long it's been since I've made an update . . . (for those of you that read this. :) ) . . . I have decided to do two posts at once. The previous post is one I wrote for a little thing called the Paradigm Exchange (www.theparadigmexchange.com), something a good friend of mine started, and has asked me to write for. My story hasn't been posted yet (as of the date of this blog), but I pretty much assume that there will not be that much overlap between the readership of said two sites.

As for me, lots has been happening . . . as some of you will already have known, I have left Abundant Harvest Community Church in Brownfield, TX. This is a good thing. A God thing. They actually sent me off with prayer and a gift card to Guitar Center (the prayer being the obviously more important and meaningful than the card, although it in itself, is very much appreciated {grin}). It was not an easy decision to make, but one in which I believe God was leading me. It's hard to leave behind a place and a people you love to serve. But God is leading all of us from that body into a place of deeper trust, I think . . . and who am I to argue?

So . . . yeah . . . now I am jobless and churchless (so to speak . . . it's not exactly accurate but we'll go with it). Who's having to trust on God?

{raising hand and waving} ooo, ooo, I am! I am!

And is He ever faithful? He is indeed. I lack nothing. My freelance business is not exactly "booming", but I always have enough to get by. I've done several small jobs lately, and several more are on my plate.

Speakin' o' which, if you have any friends/family/neighbors/acquaintances/enemies that need Web sites, videos, audio recording, print design, etc. done. . . have 'em shoot me an email. (kris@filament-productions.com)

Musically speaking, I'm extremely proud and thankful to announce that we've finally finished my 4-song EP. After 3-5 years of some of these songs being concepts/demos . . . we have them in finished, studio-recorded (well, home-studio), production-filled form. It (the EP) sounds pretty much fantastic, and I would love for you (yes, YOU) to hear it. Unfortunately, it does actually cost me to produce CD's, so if you would like a CD in a sleeve, they are $5. Let me know, and I can shoot one your way. {cheese} I'm also selling them digitally on our myspace page (www.myspace.com/xhristosphoreoband - right underneath the music player) for $.99 per song or $3.96 for the whole EP. Also, just for kicks, you should check out our main site (which really only links to our myspace) - www.xhristosphoreo.com. It's not for the faint of bandwidth, but it looks freakin' cool. And if anyone (hint, hint) wants to have my band come play at their church (or anything else for that matter), we would love to. And by "we", I mean, "at least me, and possibly one other person, but probably not a full band." It's very hard to find musicians that will work for free. {sigh}

Please pardon the previous two (or six, depending on how you look at it) shameless plugs in this blog.

I've also enjoyed playing this summer with the Dallas Stevens Band (www.dallasstevensband.com and www.myspace.com/dallasstevensband). I play keys with them, and have a rockin' good time. We've played quite a bit the past several months and have a few more gigs this year. I will also soon be joining the ranks of another friend's band, called Faces for Radio (www.myspace.com/facesforradiomusic) Self-deprecating title aside, it should be fun.

Let's see . . . what else . . . no girls, unfortunately . . . I'm not sure it's time yet. Of course, I actually have to talk to a girl to see. . . but that's another story.

I have a lunch "interview" with a pastor this week in Lubbock about possibly filling their Worship Leader position. We'll see if that's something God wants to work out or not. I'm not sold on it either way. I'm still trying to figure out where God wants me.

Ummm . . . yeah, that pretty much sums up my life right now.

Dad, You are good!!

You honor those that trust in You.

Thank You so much for allowing the EP to be done.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
And I know I know I know I know I know I want You.

Sorry for the random song quote. . . but it fit.

Please lead me in the way of Your will.

Let me not get caught up in my own.

Thank You for Your leadership.

Thank You for Your provision.

You are so good!

I love You, Dad.

So be it.

(in)Significant

2008-09-28T01:48:00.004-05:00

In early August, this year, I was privileged to be able to make a trip to Quito, Ecuador with a group of people from my mom's church. They go down every year to help one of several churches that need construction done on their church buildings. You know, the typical church mission trip that makes people think they've really made a difference, when they only really show up for a week, barely get to know anyone (if at all . . . after all, there is the whole language barrier thing), do the tourist thing for a few days, live in comparative luxury to the people they are "helping", and then return home to their cushy lives in America.

At least, that was my impression of most church "mission trips". I'll admit, it's not a very polite or nice or flattering way of thinking about them, especially when most people who go on them really have the best of intentions. And they had gone, and I hadn't. But, now that I've experienced it, it's really kind of what goes on.

In any case, when it was offered that my way would be payed, I jumped at the opportunity, since those sort of trips are all but completely out of my meager salary's reach.

Side Note: I'm aware that I'm showing a bit of my two-faced nature here . . . obviously holding these trips in disdain for the most part, and yet jumping at the opportunity to go if my way is paid. But hey, it's true. Maybe not good, but true.

Now, at this point I could glowingly expound upon the typical "it changed my life" spiel . . . but I won't, 'cause it didn't.

Well, maybe a bit.

Everyone kept telling me that it would be an eye-opening experience, that it would change my view of the world, to really see poverty that close and all that. And, no doubt, I was constantly amazed at the level of it surrounding us as we traveled, and how the people didn't really seem to mind too terribly much that they were that poor. They actually seemed much happier than most Americans, strangely enough.

But it wasn't like this huge realization came over me in this profound way or a light bulb went off in my head, or any other analogy for enlightenment that you can think of. A couple of former missionaries that came with us made comments at the beginning of the trip asking me if it was "sinking in" yet and such things. It never really did. I just knew I was in another country, and simply accepted it. I didn't feel called to give up my life of luxury in the US and sell everything and move to a third-world country. If anything, I felt that I was supposed to actually enjoy the blessings God has given me here.

The only thing that nagged at me was something I started thinking about on the way home. And that was this: I had been visiting a city of 1.5 million people approximately 2800 miles away from where I lived.

That may not have sunk in with you like it did with me. Of course, my trains of thought can tend to jump the tracks now and again.

Here's how it kind of went:
I was in a city of 1.5 million people.
It's a long ways away from where I live.
It's a small country.
There's lots of other countries in the world.
With lots of cities.
With lots of people.

I am insignificant.

And there it is. I am insignificant. I realized that all the things that I think are important in my life . . . movies, eating out all the time, spending time with my friends, making enough money to do the aforementioned things, writing music, volunteering at my church . . . they mean pretty much nothing, in the grand scheme of things.

There is a whole world of people that live their lives from day to day, not knowing me, not caring about me, completely oblivious to my existence . . . only really thinking about the same basic things I am . . . what it's going to take to get through today and keep on living.

Kind of depressing, no?

But then I remembered the little gem of Psalm 139:13:

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Suddenly, I am significant. For the God of creation, who sees the world as it is now and as it has been, with every person of every nation living throughout all of history . . . personally put me together inside my mom.

So . . . I am significant . . . and yet, insignificant. When I think of this, a profound wave of humility sweeps over me. God thinks me important enough to "knit me together" Himself, and yet he thinks everyone important enough to do the same for them.
Who am I, then, to treat anyone, anywhere as anything less than God's personal favorite? For they, like me, are (in)Significant.

Recording / Something else

2008-07-11T01:45:00.004-05:00

So we've been recording a guy named Justin Blake (a friend of Brett's) at our house today. He's finishing up a full record that we did several tracks for about six months ago. It's been really fun and good. He actually brought a grand piano into our living room to record it.

Yeah, that's right.

Of course, he's a professional piano restorer/tuner/mover . . . so he knows how to do such things. The piano he brought in has a gorgeous sound to it. I always forget how it feels to play on a real piano . . . especially one that has great action. This particular one is 100 years old, but looks like it could be almost new. It still has the original ivory keys and everything.

It was a beast to mic up right, but once we got it, it sounds awesome. He wanted me to play on one of the songs, and it was really cool to hear it in the studio monitors. It sounded goooooood.

And Justin and I got to talk for a while too, about my time at IHOP, and the common thread of themes that are popping up all around the world (but especially in America) about a re-revelation of both the holiness of God and his desire/requirement for us to be holy, and the absolute passion and intense love that He has for us.

There seems to be a sub-current of people within the church who look at the "body of Christ" and say "there has to be something more". It's not a judgmental thing. We are no better than anyone else, but merely an opening of eyes to see the truth that is written in God's Word, and actually believing it means what it says.

I don't know. It just seems to me that God's doing something in the church. Maybe He's preparing us for something. Something bigger than your average cookie-cutter, smile-and-nod, feel-good, hell-fire-and-damnation, country-club-ish, snake-bitin', seeker-sensitive, post-modern, relativistic, or whatever brand of church this country breeds that picks one thing out of the Bible and over-emphasizes it and forgets about everything else. (I personally enjoy the country-club church. . . it's nice and comfortable, and you have expensive toys to play with)

Maybe He's preparing us for something big. I mean BIG. Something like an old-time revival. I'm talkin' Book of Acts style. The problem/blessing of those kind of revivals are . . . they don't come without persecution. Or being in the midst of it.

Or maybe it's the latest Christian fad. We do have those, after all. WWJD, anyone?

But I don't think so. I think God is calling all of those of His disciples that want more of Him. That truly desire to be men/women after His heart . . . to seek only for the joy that comes from knowing Christ . . . "to know the love of Christ that passes knowledge", as it were.

Lord, let it be.

Dad, I love You!
You are so good to me.
I don't even have any idea what that means,
but I know it's true.
You are truly good to all.
And You LOVE ME.
I can't even fathom it.
Not dispassionate, sterile, cold, analytical love.
But PASSIONATE, FIERY, ZEALOUS, JEALOUS, AWE-STRIKING, HOT-AS-LAVA, COLD-AS-ICE, BEYOND LIMITATION, INFINITELY POWERFUL, STRONGER THAN DEATH LOVE!!!
Even as I write the words I don't understand.
But I want to.
And I want to love You more,
even if it is infinitely smaller
in comparison to Your love for me.
Dad, let it be! Let it be!
Let it be that I am found only in You!
That who I am is lost and is only found in Christ.
That I become worthy of my name.
Thank You, Dad.
You are so good to me.
I love You!
So Be it.

4th on Broadway

2008-07-05T11:17:00.002-05:00

So I got to help with running sound for one of the tents during Lubbock's annual free "4th on Broadway" celebration. It was fun. Dolf, the drummer for the Dallas Stevens Band, also is a partner in Runway Productions, which does small venue sound reinforcement.

So anyway, he asked me to help him. It was fun. We were on the "eclectic" stage . . . which is the stage that gets the acts that don't fit in any of the other stages (country, rock, tejano, etc). So we had a wide gamut of jazz, experimental acoustic, singer-songwriter, funk, soul/blues, etc. It was pretty cool. We had to be there at about 7AM, and by the time we finally loaded everything into our trailer it was about 5PM . . . then we had to go unload the trailer.

Then, 'cause I didn't feel like going home, and there were still more festivities for the "4th on Broadway" . . . the BIG show down at the park . . . I call up my roommate Justin to go find him at the park. He'd been setting up this show since Monday (He organized the whole thing, too, since he's the production boss guy at Miller Pro Audio), and it was pretty impressive. He let me have a backstage pass and I hung out with him and the Miller Pro crew either at the Front-of-House area or backstage at "Moniter-World" the whole time.

The show was . . . . interesting. The singers and musicians were all very talented . . . but everything seemed to lack any substance. It was all fluff.

Oh well.

So then, after the fireworks show at the very end, they needed to tear down and load out all of the audio and lighting because it needed to be on its way to Austin the net morning. I didn't feel like fighting the masses to leave (there were probably about 8,000 people there) . . . so I decide to help.

Wow. I had never seen such a mass of power, lighting and audio cables. It was impressive.

It took us about 2 1/2 hours to wind up all the cables. There had to have been 30 or more people working. Then we had to load up everything in the trucks.

So Justin and I got home around 3AM. It was a long day . . . but fun.

Forging our own trail

2008-06-25T23:48:00.002-05:00

So Dallas (the frontman and namesake of the Dallas Stevens Band) and I made a fun little trip tonight. We just had one of the most fun (albeit sloppy) sets we've had since I've played with them, and it was really a tiring set.

Then, since we can't get cell phone coverage in the camp, we all decided to take a hike. Apparently, if you go up a certain trail, a little way up you can get spotty cell phone coverage. They neglected to mention that AT&T doesn't really work. So Dallas and I made the trip all the way to the top, thinking maybe, just maybe, we'd be able to get some coverage.

We were mistaken.

Ah well. It was a nice view. . . the stars were really cool in between all the clouds. . . I could almost forget the burning in my lungs that told me how out-of-shape I am.

Then, we decided to head down, except down the other trail (there were apparently two trails that led up there.

Yeah. We couldn't find it.

It was dark.

So we made our own trail. It was fun.

First day of camp

2008-06-23T23:10:00.002-05:00

So, leaving IHOP has come and gone, and Curtis is now blissfully married.

So, it's time for camp. I'm in Sacramento, NM this week playing keys in the Dallas Stevens Band as we lead worship.

It's fun . . . but I'm really really really tired.

I've actually been drifting off as I write this. So, yeah, sleepy time.

It begins . . .

2008-06-15T06:38:00.003-05:00

Tonight's the last night with one of the guys in our apartment. Josh is going back to Lousiana tomorrow, and it's really starting to hit me that I'll be home in just a few days.

I didn't really think that it would be that big of a deal, but it's crazy how much I'm really going to miss these guys. For 7 guys to live in a small apartment together for 3 months, you really have two choices, fight or become best friends. Then, add that to "relational wholeness"(crying in front of each other), and you take it up a notch.

So it's going to be hard. I honestly was pretty broken up about it tonight in the prayer room. These guys know me in some ways better than anyone, strangely enough, and I know them in the same way. We've all grown a lot in the last 3 months. We've all grown together.

{sigh} Sentimentality. Poo.

Dad, I love You.

Help me to lean on You when things hurt.

Help me to know You are there when I need You.

Help me to know myself as "Kris whom Jesus loves."

Help me to know I am not really alone.

Thank You, Dad.

I love You.

So be it.

One week left

2008-06-12T21:19:00.002-05:00

Crazy. This time next week I'll be back in Lubbock.

I can't wait, and/or am very apprehensive about going home. It's strange, really.

I really miss everyone, and can't wait to hang out . . . but I know God has called me to some probably very "radical" life changes that may or may not be very palatable to some people . . . and that will most likely cause some friction . . . . :(

I don't know . . . we'll see.

It's been an interesting week, with a lovely night with Stuart Greeves on Sunday night, which we have come to call "Weekly Conviction with Uncle Stewie", followed by some lovely times of offending my mind with healings on Tuesday, and many interesting conversations about who our "6:01" is . . . a peculiar tradition among Fire in the Night . . . it relates to the time when the track is over when the "dating" rule no longer applies.

So . . . yeah. It's been an interesting week. It will be good to be home. No doubt different, I'm sure, but good.

Dad, I love You.

You've given me a lot to think about lately.

I honestly get very tired of thinking, sometimes

but I know I need to . . . so thank You.

Please help me to work through these things

that You have been talking to me about.

Please help me to dive into Your Word

and into . . . You.

Thank You. I love You.

So be it.

Encouragement / Mandatory "Fun" Day

2008-06-05T18:21:00.002-05:00

So last night was really cool. I had the most fun so far playing a set. It was in the JPR, and we had a good team . . . albeit, a lot of subs. We had two acoustics, electric, keyboard, bass and drums. It was a blast. And everyone was really encouraging afterwards . . . it was cool . . . Sometimes I don't like such things, because I don't want to get a big head, but sometimes it's nice to be encouraged.

Then there was today . . . Mandatory "Fun" Day, as my buddy Josiah and I call it. It was actually the "Fire In the Night Outing". . . a required time of "fun" at the park early in the "morning" . . . 3 pm . . . which is usually when we are getting up. The park was pretty and all, and the sky was overcast and there was a cool breeze blowing, which was nice . . . but potato sack races and organized games? C'mon! Bleagh!

All of these memories kept floating to the surface the whole time . . . none of them good ones. I don't think I've ever liked those kind of games. Or organized sports in general. Even when I played soccer as a kid, I never really enjoyed it as much as everyone else. I always played the kid back by the goalie that just had to kick the ball as hard as he could so that all the players would run away down the field after it. We called it "fullback" back then . . . I think it's just "defender" now. Then there was the memory of dad making me join little league when I was a kid, and I didn't want to. I remember the first game, when they tried to get me to go bat, and I just sat in the dugout and cried, because I didn't want to be singled out like that and fail in front of everyone. I didn't mind playing outfield . . . I just didn't want the pressure of being at bat. I quit after that game. . . . actually in the middle of it, I think.

That whole thing translated itself into an intense distaste for any competitive sports after that, because the only message I've ever received while attempting to play is one of anger or frustration at me because I'm not as good at it as they are. . . so I've, for the most part, avoided such things, and stuck to things I knew I could do. . . music, academics, etc.

Wow . . . fun revelation times . . . just so anyone knows, I'm not asking for pity or encouragement about this whole thing . . . I'm just talking about how something so simple brought up issues that I had completely forgotten about. . . Most people seems to not have the same issues with sports that I do. I have almost never found them encouraging in the slightest though . . . it's all about performance-based affection . . . I probably need to get over this, though . . . . it was strange, though, I reverted to old habits, today, though, in that while a bunch of people with whom I normally can have good conversations with and hang out and whatever, I just wanted to have nothing to do with them when they started playing sports. . . it was weird.

Anyway, enough with the rambling. blah.

Dad, I love You.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with all this.

Today made we want to just curl up in a corner

Or run away.

I felt no kinship with anyone.

I don't know.

Help me understand what You're wanting of me

by showing me these parts of me.

Thank You. I love You.

So be it.

Pluggin' Along

2008-06-03T16:59:00.002-05:00

It's strange, that little desire you have when you know something's almost over(2 weeks and 2 days 'til Lubbock) to just kind of skim along happily and coast. . . instead of actually pressing on 'til the end.

It's quite irritating, really, especially when you see it in yourself. It's one thing when you don't really realize it, but when you get convicted for starting to be lazy in prayer . . . yeah. Not cool.

So. . . while everything is dry right now, while I don't feel anything, while I am absolutely bored (although, it's not God that's boring, I am) . . . I still am trying to plug along . . . hoping that at some point it will feel refreshing, and not like a job.

Bleagh.

Dad, I love You.

Even when I can't feel it,

And everything seems so dull,

I will still follow after You.

Please give me the strength to keep on keepin' on.

I know You are drawing me to Yourself.

Please don't stop,

But, please, come and find me.

I want to be with You where You are.

I love You.

So be it.

The Foolish things instructing the Wise

2008-05-31T23:14:00.002-05:00

Let me tell you about the time SlapBall almost died.

So there was a game. It was glorious, it was filled with joy, and it brought our entire apartment together in the way only a little rubber ball flying around the room could do.

It was called, simply, SlapBall.

It had a single rule: All you gotta do . . . is slap the ball.

And oh, how we would.

There were some problems, though. It tended to be quite a rambunctious game, so noise levels quickly rose, and the ball had a nasty tendency to hit things that it probably didn't need to hit.

But it was so much fun. It was so joyful. You could see the joy evident on every face. Our step was lighter after every game.

So we continued to play, in spite of the possible rule infractions.

Then someone brought up their conviction, asserting that he felt we could no longer play, since he felt it was infringing upon the rules. He asserted that if it was something we were afraid to tell our core leaders about because we didn't want them to tell us we couldn't do it anymore, then it was something we probably should not be doing in the first place.

And, quite literally, all hell broke loose . . . in each of our hearts. While he was simply voicing something we had all considered, whether or not we had squashed it down, the mourning and anger that arose in the room was almost ludicrous. It was, after all, just SlapBall. But, oh, how attached we were to it. How mad we were that something so stupid and fun, something we loved so much, God wanted to take away from us because of a few stupid rules.

It is similar to the meat-sacrificed-to-idols issue in I Corinthians. There was nothing wrong with the game in and of itself, just that in playing it, we were rebelling against our authorities, and not acting in love, in taking care of the property of others and in possibly disturbing their peace and quiet.

So, after much anger, harsh words, pouting, etc. . . the ball was slashed, then ripped into two pieces, and taped to the wall in memory of the beloved game.

As we were getting ready for bed, and various people were dealing with extreme anger, asking for prayer and such, we came across a startling realization of what was going on: "God uses the foolish things to confound the wise". (I Corinthians 1:27)

Holy cow. We all started laughing, and started to actually deal with everything. We still went through mourning, and a song was even composed: "Requiem for a SlapBall". And we all, while sad at giving up our personal rights, had come to grips with the fact that we should not play it anymore.

But, as I said in the beginning, this is a story of the time Slapball almost died.

You see, we decided to tell one of our core leaders about the game, and about what we had learned. He was astounded at how serious we were about it, and how it had affected us so to quit it.

He then started talking about why we had rules . . . the reason and spirit behind them. That fun is not forbidden or bad, and that as long as we stay within the bounds of love (respect for neighbors, respect for the property, respect for each other) there was really nothing wrong with it.

So, released by our authority (with some general guidelines and suggestions to follow) the genius and joy that is SlapBall was raised from the ashes, and lives again.

only 3 weeks left

2008-05-29T06:24:00.002-05:00

It's crazy . . . I only have 3 weeks left before I make the 10 hour trip back to Lubbock, just in time to make a rapid change in sleep schedules so I can be a part of one of my best friend's wedding, just in time so I can lead worship on Sunday morning, just in time to get ready and leave for a week to a summer camp where I'm playing keys for worship with the DSB, just in time for . . . oh wait, that's right, that's it for a little bit.

And I still have no clue what I'm doing when I get home. I have no idea what God wants me to do.

Fun times.

Ah well. I'm sure I'll figure it out. . . or maybe not.

Crazy. It's almost over.

Dad, please help me to know

what Your will is for me.

Help me to be a good follower and follow Your lead.

Help me to listen to Your voice.

Thank You for the good, refreshing time

I've been able to have while I'm here.

Help me to hit the ground running.

I love You.

So be it.

{sigh}

2008-05-25T15:49:00.002-05:00

So I'm not doing too good at this blogging every day thing . . . :(

Oh well . . . it's been an intense and tiring week.

And the only wireless network that we can get internet access to in our apartment has been going out lately . . . as in, not giving us enough reception to get on the internet to check email and such. Very frustrating.

I suppose we are not really entitled to it, though, since we're bumming off of the neighbors.

Anyhoo . . . I don't have much to talk about . . . I've been having a bunch of dreams lately . . . crazy weird stuff that seems very prophetic and significant, but I have no clue about what they mean.

So yeah . . . I can't think of anything else.

"Relational Wholeness" / "Inner Healing"

2008-05-22T22:12:00.002-05:00

I know what you're thinking.

No, seriously.

Everyone crying, hugging, blah, blah, blah.

OK, you're right. But it was seriously good. I feel . . . lighter . . . about certain things, about things I've carried around for years and never told anyone about . . . about wounds that I've received from various people that I've never fully let God heal because I wouldn't admit they really hurt.

It's not like it's an "OK, I'm instantly a completely new person" or whatever . . . it's a process . . . but I definitely confronted a lot of things I had just shoved down.

I seriously recommend it to anyone. . . if you ever have a chance to go to one (of course, one from a God-centered perspective. . . the one we went through is called "Foundations", and IHOP subsidiary).

Anyway . . . yeah . . . it was good.

Dad, I love You . . .

thank You that You love me

and want me to be whole

You love me the way I am . . .

You built me the way I am . . .

Help me to give up the things that aren't me . . .

And turn to You for my real identity.

Thank You . . . I love You so much!

So be it.

Fun times in trusting God

2008-05-20T19:04:00.002-05:00

OK, so God is hilarious . . .

I had done a freelance web job that was going to pay me a significant amount of money, and I was supposed to get the check on March 31. Since I’m off in KC, my friend from LCU was going to get it and deposit it for me. He was the main contact for the job, and He subcontracted a portion of it to me. Anyways, this check was going to pay for all my expenses at home for April through July, and give me some spending money as well. It was the main reason I felt comfortable coming here, at least finance-wise . . .

Anyhoo . . . because of various stupid little problems it wouldn’t come in . . . It was always stuff that wasn’t really anyone’s fault. You know, honest mistakes and what not. Mail being returned, etc.

So, for the past two months, I’ve been watching the numbers in my bank account slowly go down, getting nervous, praying to God that He’ll get it taken care of, using my savings account money all up, while simultaneously just trying to trust in Him that He’s not going to let me down. I've definitely had some help from the church and from my Mom to stay afloat . . . if God hadn't have worked through them, I would have been much worse off.

So, today, I’m looking at my bank account balance, and I freak out, because it’s negative. Something cleared that I hadn’t expected . . . so I was at -$3.00. Luckily, I had 11 and some change left in my savings and I caught it soon enough that it won’t give me a bank charge (at least I hope not) . . .

But the fun part is . . . after I transfered the money from savings, I decide to see what made it go under . . . it was my monthly donation to a particular charity . . . then I keep looking down the list, and there, at the bottom, is the pending deposit for the check.

So, on the very last possible time it could go in without causing me to go under, on the day that giving money to God is what actually would have driven me under . . . the check finally shows up and gets deposited.

I just had to laugh. God’s probably up there, patting me on the head, saying, "See? I told you to just trust me."

Ah well. Fun times with the Big Guy.

Dad, thank You, thank You, thank You for Your provision

and teaching me that I am NOT in control.

{sigh} I have a hard time with that area.

Please help me to trust You more.

I love You.

So be it.

First movie in two months

2008-05-19T01:54:00.002-05:00

It's weird how long I went without watching one.

Back home I probably watched about 5 a week.

huh.

Anyway, we went as a group to go see Prince Caspian. We kind of took over the theatre. It was awesome.

And the movie was awesome, too. It's amazing how every time I watch/read any of the Narnia series I see a new parallel to the story of Christ (or our lives in Him).

They could have done just fine to not put in the stupid romance side-plot, but oh well.

You should go see it, if You haven't already. It's worth it. :)

Dad,

thank You for stories that lift the heart

and speak of You.

You rock.

I love You.

So be it.

Lots of stuff and nothing at all

2008-05-18T15:53:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy few days full of not-so-fun revelation but not much else. And our wireless router that we bum off of the neighbors has been iffy at best . . . so it's not been encouraging me to blog.

Anyhoo. . .

The not-so-fun revelations have been as follows:

1) I have an issue with spiritual pride

2) I, if given the opportunity, still desire my old ways . . . I still desire instant gratification instead of waiting and tarrying on the Lord

3) I get offended rather quickly about the ways God chooses to reveal himself to people. It doesn't fit within my "God-box" and so I don't like it.

Bleagh. yuck. I don't like these kind of weeks. I know they are good, but still, bleagh.

Dad, please help me with these areas

Give me the grace to be humble,

and the desire to choose Your ways,

even when it doesn't seem like "fun",

and please help me to not be offended

when I see how You show Yourself to others.

Help me to love You and see You as You are.

I love You. Help me to love You more.

So be it.

A Note to all who read

2008-05-14T20:30:00.004-05:00

After a phone conversation with a friend today, I feel I must clarify a few things . . . just to 1) alleviate concern and 2) discourage blind acceptance based on my opinion.

I understand that many of the topics I've been talking about over the past few weeks have been a bit out of my realm of experience and scriptural upbringing (and out of some of yours as well, I take it).

Don't think that I am not struggling with some of these things, and just accepting them blindly as just the coolest new idea to come around. I have been wrestling with them, and turning to scripture to provide the proper context for them. And one of the things I really appreciate about the staff here is that they encourage extensive personal Bible study time. . . and every teaching comes almost straight from scripture . . . if not, then greatly supported by a usually long list of scriptural references. One of the other things that reassures me is that everything revolves around a Sermon on the Mount lifestyle. . . a lifestyle of holiness. It is not about any one person, or getting rich (just look at the leader, Mike Bickle, who lives extremely simply, even after 30 years in the same ministry that sometimes brings in a lot of money).

That being said, people can make mistakes or be led astray. I understand this. But beyond anything else I see in Scripture, I see that God loves me. I also believe God lives inside me and gives me increasingly more discernment as I walk with Him, in the person of the Holy Spirit. If I can't trust in that, than I certainly can't trust in the Bible.

And while everyone screams at me for a second . . .

If the Bible was written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, through men's hands . . . how different is that than the Holy Spirit that lives inside of me? Simple . . . it isn't. But since I trust in both, than the test is that the Spirit inside of me agrees with Spirit-breathed Scripture.

It is true, though, that man is fallible.

So, my second point. Please, please, please do not change your opinion on anything based on my opinion. I am endeavoring to listen to the Spirit and Scripture in all things . . . but I might fail. In other words, don't believe me simply because you know me and think that if I believe it, it must be true . . .

Hence . . .

ALWAYS COMPARE WHAT I SAY WITH SCRIPTURE.

If it doesn't agree . . . let what I say fall to the ground. If it does . . . Amen.

But . . . .

ALWAYS COMPARE WHAT YOU THINK WITH SCRIPTURE

You also are human. You also are fallible. You may be wrong. You may have been taught wrong. You may have mis-interpreted Scripture. There is enough differences of opinion around the earth about just about everything in the Bible that you can say with almost 100% accuracy that everyone has something wrong.

Scripture is the litmus test for all. No doubt.

Scripture is not, however, a way to justify what you already have preconceived in your head.

This is just as much for me as it is for anyone, by the way . . .

What it boils down to for me, though, is that I have to trust God. I have to trust that He loves me. I have to trust that He wants me to understand Him. I have to trust that He sent the Holy Spirit to live inside of me to partially, at least, help me with understanding Him. In simpler terms . . . I have to trust that God is a way better leader than I am a follower. If I am earnestly seeking after Him in the ways I see outlined in Scripture (prayer, Bible Study, fasting, receiving godly wisdom), than He will not leave me or forsake me. That He will lead me. That He will shepherd me.

I have to trust in God. It's the only thing I really have.

I think the Bible calls that faith. I could be wrong, though.

Dad, I earnestly want Your truth.

I want to know You for who You really are.

Help me to know Your Word.

Help me to hear the Spirit.

Help me not to be deceived.

I know You love me, and if I ask for bread,

You won't give me a stone.

So, please, give me

(and all those on this journey with me)

wisdom and understanding.

Thank You, Dad.

I love You.

So be it.

Proper Context

2008-05-11T23:36:00.003-05:00

OK, I feel I must put my previous post in it's proper context, so as not to place undue emphasis on things.

1) Works are not the object . . . pursuing God (in Jesus) through faith is the object

2) Pursuit of perfection is the method (sermon on the mount)

3) The result of faith in God as pursued by sermon on the mount lifestyle is shown through works.

Healing

2008-05-11T22:25:00.003-05:00

So we've had an incredible focus the last several days on God pouring out healing on His people. . . the IHOP family specifically, but also Christians in general.

It's kind of weird. I had a kind of Psalm 77 moment with God last night. We were focusing all six hours of the Nightwatch on praying for God to pour out healing (usually we do 2 hours of intercession, 2 hours of "worship with the Word", and then 2 more hours of intercession). At the very end of the night, about 5:45 or so, it was getting crazy intense. They asked for people in the room to stand if they needed healing, and I was praying with several other people around someone. . . and nothing was happening.

I started getting furious! God had promised us the power of the Holy Spirit living within us. I've seen documentaries on churches all over the world that have the power to heal people, even raising people from the dead on regular occasions. . . why the crap wasn't He listening to us . . . to me?! Where were his promises . . . did He just not like me?! He'd said that He was a good Father, that He gives good gifts . . . that if His children came to Him and asked Him for bread, He wouldn't give them a stone, or if they asked for fish, He wouldn't give them a snake. He said we just have to ask, and He would give us good gifts! Why isn't He being faithful to His promises?!

So . . . yeah . . . You might think that I'm a horrible person . . . but I actually kind of felt God's pleasure . . . sort of . . . I stepped over the line a bit, and definitely repented . . . but He was pleased that I was fervently pursuing it. . . that I wanted it so bad that I was angry and passionate about not having it. I could almost hear Him saying to me, "Good! That's what I'm looking for! Keep coming after Me! How bad do you want it?"

We seriously should have this . . . it should be Christianity 101. People in our bodies should NOT be living in pain or illness. We find it so easy to believe that God can fix our souls, but not our bodies. What's wrong here!?

{sigh}

Then tonight . . . {giggle} . . . a young girl from the IHOP family (her parents were previously missionaries to Ecuador and Mexico) gave her testimony of her recent healing. I'll try and give the short version here . . .

For the last several months, she has been living in ridiculous amounts of pain. Her body has basically been eating itself up. It started with Hepatitis C, which she got in Ecuador as a child. Then it got compounded by something else, and her thyroid gave out, last year sometime. From there, everything else started failing, liver, lungs, etc. They had tried everything medically possible, and a bunch of people had prayed over her, to no avail. All the doctors were confused . . . they had no clue why it was happening.

So then this revival healing meeting started breaking out in Lakeland, Florida last month . . . her parents had thought about going, but they were afraid to get her hopes up once again only for it not to work. Then someone offered to pay for their way there. So they decided to go. Through a serious of things, they ended up being the last ones allowed in the building (thousands are coming each day - they are meeting in a baseball stadium), and the girl gets carried up to the platform by strangers, because her mom kind of freezes. In any case, the girl gets knocked out by the spirit when the main leader, Todd Bentley, prays over her, and she's out for 20-40 minutes, in which she has a vision where she's in an operating room, and Jesus is over her like an anesthesiologist just telling her to look into His eyes, and angels are working on her organs, repairing her. She wakes up, and she has absolutely no pain. She's perfectly healthy.

And this is happening every night down there. But this is someone everyone here knows about, and has been praying for. Someone we knew was sick. Someone we can tell is well.

It's crazy. Actually it's not. We're crazy. This is normal Christianity.

My brain is so scrambled on this subject . . . not in a confused way, just trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me about it . . . . I could keep rambling on for hours about it . . . but I won't. :) At least I'll try not to.

Anyway, if You want to see some crazy stuff, check up on the Lakeland Revival and Todd Bentley, and if you want to get messed up, see if you can get ahold of the documentary "Finger of God" by Darren Wilson. A link to the preview for it is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljVKul8das.

Oh, and I'm fairly certain some of you are going to read this and think "Kris has now been brainwashed" or "Kris has gotten all IHOPPY" or "Kris is on crack" or even "Kris is now delving into heresy".

I humbly implore you to look at 3 very important facts from Scripture: 1) Jesus healed EVERYONE He came into contact with (many passages in Luke) . . . 2) If we truly are of and in real belief of Jesus as Saviour, we now have the living breathing Holy Spirit of God (a real part/personality of God) living inside of us . . . 3) Jesus said "you will do greater works than these" (John 14:12) . . . (ok 4) . . . 4) in all of Acts, no disciple ever actually did "greater works than these" . . . so that's still yet to come . . . so we should be able to do everything Jesus did right now.

And here I said I wasn't going to keep going on about this. {sigh}

OK, I'm done.

Seriously.

Dad, . . . I'm almost shaking right now because I can't contain it.

Your people (me included) are so impotent.

We have a form of godliness but deny it's power.

. . .

OK, I just looked that one up (II Timothy 3:1-9), and that was a smack in the face.

. . .

Anyway, I love You!

Please help me to operate in Your fullness!

Fill me with all that You have for me!

Let Your perfect will be done in my life!

I love You . . . help me love You more!

So be it.

Feelings of Inadequacy Unite!

2008-05-10T06:24:00.002-05:00

So I got to play acoustic tonight from 4am-6am . . . it was a lot of fun, and I did pretty good (at least, I think so).

Beforehand, though, I was definitely fighting feelings of inadequacy.

I was filling in for probably the best acoustic player I've seen in a long time (no offense to all my friends who play acoustic really well) . . . Cassie Campell. She's basically awesome at everything she does, which includes playing acoustic, playing bass in the best band on campus, playing drums, and leading worship.

Yeah.

Apparently I did pretty good, since they turned me up in the mix (which I rarely hear the guitar in any mix here) and the band said I did good . . . and people tend to not lie here . . . at least not that much . . . The electric player said he reminded me of the good porridge goldilocks found . . . "not too hot and not too cold" as in I had good rhythm and picking skills. . . I wasn't too "lead" oriented or too "rhythm only" oriented. That was encouraging.

So, yeah. I still feel inadequate.

Yeah.

Dad, thanks for humbling experiences :)

Help me not to be too hard on myself.

And be able to take compliments.

And be confident in what abilities You have given me.

Thank You once again to be able to play music to worship You with.

You rock.

No, seriously. You rock.

I love You.

So be it.

Tired

2008-05-09T16:55:00.003-05:00

It's been rather strange lately . . . I'll get 8 hours of sleep, but I'm always so tired.

I just don't want to get up.

Blah.

Nothing else really interesting as of right now . . . other than yesterday's trip to Buffalo Wild Wings!!! wooo!!!

Ok, so that's interesting to me . . .

You have no idea how much I've missed my precious boneless wings smothered in Mango Habanero and/or Parmesan Garlic Sauce, and my delightful Potato Wedges all smothered in cheddar cheese, and everything dipped in Ranch Sauce.

Oh the joy. It was sincerely a blessing from God.

It was also interesting how weird it was to be back in crazy, busy, TV-oriented American society. It was seriously crazy how we all noticed that we don't really talk to each other, we just end up looking at all the TVs that are placed every 10 degrees around the room. Oh well.

Dad, please help me not be so tired.

Thank You for B-Dubs and

the wonderful food they make . . .

even if they do have too many TVs.

You rock.

So be it.

Runnin' Sound

2008-05-07T06:33:00.003-05:00

I got to mix a band tonight (at the JPR, which isn't the one that streams on the internet). It's a lot harder than it looks.

No 1 hour sound check like I'm used to.

It's "get 'em on stage and turn 'em up" . . . "and hope they sound good" . . . "try and fix it if they don't" . . .

Yeah. fun times. I get to do it again tomorrow. For those that know such things (J-mac), it was a Yamaha M3000A. For those that don't . . . it's a big board. It's also old. But it still sounds pretty good. I'm actually still just "in training", but the guy let me mix a good portion of a 2-hour set. It was cool.

So yeah, that was fun. I only have yet to play keys sometime. Hopefully I'll get to.

All right . . . brain not functioning . . . need sleep and food . . .

Dad, thank You for yet again

another opportunity to serve

and use the talents You've given and grown in me.

Help me to use them well.

I love You.

So be it.

3 hours with Stuart Greeves

2008-05-05T07:06:00.002-05:00

Only a few of you will recognize his name, but this man blows my mind every time he talks.

He's the Director of the Nightwatch here (12am-6am), and he's got a knowledge of scripture that constantly amazes me.

We typically have "Connection Time" for an hour every Sunday night . . . we had it for three hours tonight.

Whew.

I'm beat.

As usual, he blew my mind. On several issues. With scriptural backdrop.

1) The importance of a correct end-time view as taught by Jesus and the apostles.

2) How very ridiculous and ungodly self-expression is (specifically related to art and music)

3) As far as weird spiritual manifestations (slayings in the spirit, etc)

a) They are real

b) Everyone reacts differently to the Spirit - it is controllable (the spirit of the prophet is subject to the prophet)

c) Basically it's a bodily response to the Spirit - much like electricity

4) Evil is essentially pride - it is saying my idea of things is better than God's

a) sub note - immorality is the desire to worship the creature rather than the creator

whew.

Dad, help me to sleep. This stuff is boggling my mind.

Help me to be faithful with the revelation that You have been giving me.

Lead me, Lord, and I will follow.

Thank You so much for everything You have lead me through already.

I love You.

So be it.

Gold Dust

2008-05-04T06:12:00.002-05:00

Now I know this will be a weird one for most of you . . .

Gold dust . . .

appearing out of nowhere . . .

on people . . .

It happened to me . . .

I'm not joking.

It's not some sort of trick farce thing. People start praying really hard, and sometimes things happen. Apparently this happens all over the place. No one really knows why, and there's no scripture to support it, but, there's nothing that says God doesn't do stuff like this. Apparently gemstones that no one can identify have been appearing, too, as well as manna. Basically dropping into people's hands and/or bibles.

OK, pause for a moment . . . they were just praying for it again, and the prayed for me, didn't touch my hands, and I had them again. They kind of fade away after a minute.

It's weird, I'm not gonna lie. Cool, but weird.

Incidentally, I got to play acoustic again tonight (4-6am). It was a fun set. I sang yesterday from 2-4pm.

Dad, You do some really strange things.

I suppose they aren't strange to You,

but they are to me.

Help me to see You for who You are,

and not get caught up in fake things,

but also help me to not reject them if they are of You.

I love You.

So be it.

Ok . . . so . . . yeah

2008-05-03T06:46:00.003-05:00

It's been getting incredibly difficult to get these written the last several days, since things keep happening.

By things I mean weird things.

Two nights ago, we were praying for one of the guys before bed, and another one of them fell down and started laughing straight for about 1 1/2 hours, and couldn't get up, and we couldn't even pick him up.

Then last night, another roommate had a vision, and then a manifestation of a spiritual stronghold/demon of fear, that another roommate basically exorcised with the other two of us praying around him. This also ended with the roommate that manifested it basically frozen (this time in peace as opposed to joy) on his bed.

So these things have kept me busy at night.

Not that they are bad.

Just weird, in my church-ianity perspective.

As I'm kind of discovering . . . these things should probably be normal in walk with Christ. As well as ridiculous healings, crazy faith acts, and raising people from the dead.

You may think I'm joking, or that I'm going crazy. . . but I'm not. Jesus said that we would do "greater things than these". The book of Acts does not record anything greater than what Jesus did. What happened?

I don't know. Food for thought.

Dad, I love you. You are in control.

You are rocking my paradigms right now.

I am most definitely not comfortable

And yet I know that does not mean it's wrong, or not of You.

I see You in these things even though

I don't understand them.

Please pour Your Spirit out on me in full measure.

Let me know more of You.

Let me see You for who You really are.

I love You.

So be it.

Global Day of Prayer

2008-05-01T16:04:00.002-05:00

So everything's kinda cancelled for today, since we're all going to participate in the city-wide gathering for the global day of prayer.

So it should be interesting. . . the general feeling is that what's going on at the Lakeland revival in Florida may spread to KC today. It may all break loose.

Crazy. Cool.

Yeah.

I'm stoked. I'm ready for it. Bring it on.

Dad, let You kingdom be manifest here today.

Rend the heavens and come down today.

Let signs and wonders be done by Your servants

For the glory of Your name alone.

Thank You, even if You choose not to loose it today.

I Love You.

So be it.

On-the-spot creativity

2008-04-29T06:54:00.002-05:00

Yeah.

I don't have it.

My good friends already know and understand this.

The concept of "the jam" is foreign and difficult to me.

I am all about the slow, careful, methodical creativity.

The one that gets refined over and over and over.

So when I was on the front singing team tonight (at the JPR, which isn't recorded), and was supposed to "antiphonalize" I had nothin'. I have a hard enough time recalling best friends names within 5 seconds upon them greeting me.

No, seriously, if a friend comes up to me and says, "Hey, Kris" . . . it takes me a few seconds before the verbal name comes. . . so I almost always say "hey, man" in return. It's not 'cause I don't know their name . . . I just have memory-read issues. My eye-to-brain-to-mouth buffer is clogged or something. I also have trouble in normal conversations actually contributing because by the time I figure out something to say, someone else is talking.

So, antiphonalizing is basically four singers singing "random" but related phrases back and forth, and maybe creating a chorus that everyone sings . . . it's usually like biblical phrases and stuff that relate to what the prayer leader is praying about or the scripture passage we're focusing on.

So, yeah . . . Kris is silent during the antiphonalizing phase.

He basically shrugs his shoulders and becomes frustrated.

And apparently starts talking in the third person. {sigh}

Dad, if You want me to be able to do this . . .

OK, but it just doesn't seem to be the way You made me.

I don't know. I'm not too terribly concerned with it

Ok, so that's not true. . . I'm incredibly self-conscious of it.

Just like when I sit in a group of people and never say anything.

Oh well. We'll see.

I love You.

So be it.

Familiar Faces

2008-04-27T06:06:00.004-05:00

So here is an incomplete list of the people I see (in other faces) on a regular basis. Some of them are people I actually know . . . some are movie/TV stars.

(Their name here (if I know it) / Who I see)

Katie #1 / Mandy Cross (a girl in my youth group when I was in high school)

Sean / Bobby "Harlan" Bowling . . . looks and singing style

Nathan (one of my core leaders) / Cilian Murphy

Summer / Paris Hilton with red hair and and a very sunny disposition.

Sara / Anne Hathaway with Avril Lavigne's vocal style

Cassie / Kim Perry (at LCU at the same time as me, and she also worked at MarCom)

Donna / ET . . . no, seriously it's actually an endearing thing.

a saxophone player / Brett Brock (without the cool hair . . . and slightly nerdier)

Katie #2 / Sara Gillory

Anna / Kristen Kreuk

Dan / Shane Everett

Other Random people I see in people I don't know who they are: Zooey Daschenal, Anna (Dusty's girlfriend), Rachel Weisz, and a ton of white cap guys, except nicer.

So yea. Fun. It's nice to see familiar faces.

Tonight was good / a strange phenomemon

2008-04-25T06:39:00.003-05:00

It was nice to play again, I haven't or a few weeks. I played the 4AM to 6AM set, and I got to play with a pro . . . the guy who toured with the Katinas. I also found out he recorded on Crowder's "Sunsets and Sushi" album on the remix of "Deliver Me" and on the 10th anniversary of DC Talk's Jesus Freak on the song "What if I stumble". Yeah, he's good. So it was fun . . . and nerve-racking to keep up with the band, since Stuart was on bass again. Yeah. Humbling. But fun.

And I've been able to talk out some of my issues with some of the people here . . . so it's cool. I'm feelin' a little better about stuff. . . not so discouraged . . . I'm sure that will change in a few days . . . and then again . . . and then again . . . about oh, 60 more times.

Also, I've noticed another strange phenomenon that my brain is doing . . . I'm getting 2 days out of every one.

Let me explain . . .

It feels like my day from waking up 'til the prayer room is one day, and the prayer room 'til sleep feels like another. It's bizarre. I get a new day every time I wake up, and then when I walk into the prayer room at midnight.

Weird, I know.

Oh well.

Dad, thank You for strange sleep schedule coping mechanisms.

and brief moments of being excited about You.

Help me to continue pressing into You.

Thank You for Your faithfulness even when

I don't feel You.

I love You.

So be it.

Ok, I remembered. . .

2008-04-24T06:22:00.003-05:00

2) I have internal anger issues . . . and pride . . . I think the anger is related to pride . . . in that I get really angry when my pride is injured.

3) "Prophet school" was better than I thought it was going to be. Yeah. Exciting stuff. Awkward, but exciting.

Dad, help me to not be in needless anger

against my brothers . . .

You are just trying to teach me humility.

Thank You for correction . . .

please help me to be more like You.

Thank You that You want Yourself

to be known . . . and You use us, sometimes, to do that.

Use me, Dad. For Your glory.

I love You.

So be it.

3 things I have realized in the last few days

2008-04-23T06:10:00.003-05:00

1. I have resented God for asking me to fast. I like food. It's good. I like eating food. It's fun. On the other hand, I don't like being hungry. It's not fun. It's probably the reason I've had trouble fasting . . . because I always grumble at God for making me do it. It's not an enjoyable thing, or a worthwhile thing, like it's supposed to be.

dang it . . . I can't remember the other two things . . . the either weren't important enough for me to remember, or I'm tired.

{sigh} oh well.

Dad, I'm sorry for resenting You for this.

It's supposed to be a joy to do.

A way to commune with You better.

To silence my body and listen to You.

Help me to really see it this way.

Because I know I want to know You better.

Please give me grace to enjoy fasting.

Thank You. I love You.

So be it.

Why do I not have wonder?

2008-04-21T06:22:00.003-05:00

There have been several occasions during teachings here where several of the members of my track have been absolutely amazed at some of the stuff we are being taught . . . like, freaking out about it . . . and while when I hear these things, my spirit cries "Yes!" . . . I don't have a "wonder"-ing, fearful to reaction to just about anything. I may get slightly excited about something, but that's about it . . .

I don't know . . . I know that we are supposed to have a "fear of the Lord" and all . . . and that God is so entirely beyond us that it should inspire me with wonder . . . but I seem to simply accept things quietly and try and act on them.

Am I missing something? I don't seem to have a lack of revelation in things, and the Holy Spirit has definitely been dealing with me about things . . . again, I don't know . . . {sigh}

Dad, if I'm missing something, please reveal it to me. . .

I want to know You completely . . .

But I don't want false emotions . . .

but I also don't want to close my emotions off to You.

Please give me more wisdom and revelation, Lord.

Complete what is lacking in my faith.

Thank you . . . I love You.

So be it.

Seriously!?

2008-04-19T23:06:00.002-05:00

I just figured something out . . .

Monday - 6 hours

Tuesday - 6 hours

Wednesday - 6 hours

Thursday - 10 hours

Friday - 10 hours

Saturday - 10 hours

Sunday - 2 hours

Total = 50 hours

Minus 2-4 hours a week for cleaning/musican duties.

Total = approx 48 hours spent in the prayer room every week

2 Days out of 7 every week

Plus a couple of weeks where we spend another 12 hours . . . That equals out to 27 total days out of 90.

Crazy. Seriously.

I'm not complaining . . . it's just crazy to think that close to a third of the total time I'm here will be in the prayer room.

Meatloaf two days in a row

2008-04-18T06:10:00.002-05:00

And it was AWESOME!

It was almost as good as Mom makes.

Dad, thank You for meatloaf

Some people don't like it . . . but I do.

You rock.

So be it.

Start of week 4

2008-04-17T06:14:00.003-05:00

So I've been here for three whole weeks now . . . and it's weird. Sometimes it still feels like I got here yesterday, and then sometimes it feels like it's been months since I've been back home. Our days are so jam packed, and kinda split between light-time and dark-time that each day feels like two. . .

So I tried to blog yesterday morning and it evidently didn't work . . oh well. . . . but as I was writing this one I just figured out that it saves drafts . . . so I posted it anyway.

It's been a good couple of days . . . things revealed, etc. God's really been leading me out of some areas that I had boxed him into, and possibly showing me some things I'm supposed to walk in . . . I'm still making sure on those . . . they are really exciting to think about . . . but we'll see.

So tomorrow starts the 3-day weekly blitz. . . the three days I'm always exhausted at the end because we have almost no break. Ah well. It will be all good.

Dad, please grant me

the grace to endure long days . . .

even if they are about You

sometimes I just get tired of it

so help me to push in and focus on You.

i love You.

So be it.

Something serious and something not so. . .

2008-04-16T06:05:00.002-05:00

So God's been really dealing with me today on some things . . . not sin issues, but belief issues and stubbornness. It's good . . . but He's forcing me to re-look at some things . . . challenging some of my pre-conceptions that were based on an immature look at scripture. . . yeah. So that's interesting.

I was also REALLY distracted today. I couldn't keep my concentration on hardly anything in the prayer room. This is really the first time I've done a full day water fast . . . and I'm a pansy, apparently. I couldn't think of anything other than the glorious Cheeze-Its I'm enjoying right now. It was slightly frustrating.

A good couple of days

2008-04-15T06:32:00.001-05:00

So it's been a good couple of days.

Yesterday was a great Sabbath (actually resting and enjoying it), which ended with a question/answer time with Stuart Greeves (the director of the Nightwatch (12am-6am time at IHOP)). Something came out of that question/answer time that kind of cleared the muddle that I've been swimming in since I got here. . . it's still stewing in me . . . but it's a word that is starting to change the way I think about things, both here and at home.

Yeah. More on that later, I'm sure . . . as I said, it's still stewing.

Then today was just good. There was an all-approved-musician meeting where Mike spoke to us about lots of crazy stuff that I can't relate here.

And tonight's set (I played from 2am-4am) was awesome. At least it was awesome on stage. . . I couldn't really tell what the response from the people in the prayer room was. Anyway, we got back into the debriefing room and it was just silent. No one could think of anything to say. But we couldn't make ourselves get up or break the silence. It was crazy.

Dad, thank You for clarity and wisdom and understanding
. . . at least what You've given me so far . . . :)
Please give me more . . .
. . . help me understand more about You every day.
Give me the grace to keep searching after You
and the wisdom to understand what You show me.
I love You. Help me to love You more
and understand Your love for me.
Help me to put You above all of my other dreams and desires.
Above all, help me to really know Christ, and Him crucified.
I love You.
So be it.

Fun Times at a big house

2008-04-14T01:05:00.002-05:00

So we just got back from the home of one of the guys in my apartment. . . his family lives nearby. His family of 12 brothers and sisters. Soon to be 13. His family with a large house.

It was fun.

I'm amazed the youngest kids were able to sleep with us making as much noise as we were.

Apparently, this is a weekly event, so yea!

Oh yeah, we ate at Chipotle's, which was also awesome. Yea for monster-sized burritos.

Nothing to say . . .

2008-04-12T06:29:00.002-05:00

It's been a somewhat uneventful day . . . sort of.

Stuff happened. It was cool.

Oh yeah, it snowed, and was really cold.

Nothing terribly exciting, though.

Yeah. Brain not working.

It's sleepy time.

So that was fun . . .

2008-04-11T06:17:00.002-05:00

So Stuart Greeves(director of the Nightwatch and Fire-In-The-Night) is a hoss on bass . . . he got "the funk", if you know what I'm sayin' . . . which makes it difficult for very non-funky me trying to figure out what the progression is . . . :)

But it was actually really good. I was a little more comfortable tonight, so that helped, and I wasn't a complete stranger to everyone in the group, which also helped.

Anyway, it was good. So . . . yeah. We'll see when I get to play next. I was just filling in the past two nights. So . . . yeah . . . i don't really have a lot to say.

I'm tired . . . I haven't really slept well the last two nights . . . it's probably the 6:30am-right-before-bed-time-Cheez-It-and-Oreos-and-milk-time snack, giving me lovely acid reflux. Yea!

So . . . yeah . . .

OK, bye.

Dad, thank You for Your love for me

and for Your grace in letting me have

gifts and talents that I enjoy using.

Thank You for Oreos and Cheez-its.

I really like them.

Even when I eat too many and they give me acid reflux.

I suppose I should thank you for acid reflux, too . . . since

that's probably supposed to let me know that I shouldn't

eat that late at night/morning.

Oh well. You rock. You're cool.

Yeah. I'm tired. I love You.

So be it.

Ready. FIRE! Aim.

2008-04-10T06:06:00.002-05:00

So I got to play acoustic tonight during the 12am-2am set . . . which was fun and all.

It was like learning to play with Pastor Chris all over again. :)

. . . as in having to figure out the style of a particular person's keyboarding, all while having to figure out in a few minutes where to plug in my acoustic rig, work the Aviom system and transpose every song on the fly . . . oh yeah, and learn 5 new songs in one set. :)

So that was fun, and I get to do it tomorrow at 4am. Yea! Hopefully I won't be as nervous this time.

Dad, thank you for the opportunity to serve

in a way that I love. It definitely helps with the monotony. :)

Dad, I love You. Help me to honor You with my praise

and to catch more of a glimpse of You in the process.

Thanks, Dad.

So be it.

Crazy Death-Metal-Indian-Techno Worship

2008-04-09T06:32:00.002-05:00

OK . . . so if you have access to the IHOP prayer room video feed . . . you HAVE to watch this.

Misty Edward's team did this absolutely ridiculously amazing bit that absolutely rocked out the place.

I was astonished.

I was astounded.

It was a crazy mix of techno/hardcore/metal/indian. And it was awesome. I could feel lots of people rolling over in their graves, though. This would never EVER happen in most churches.

It was at the 10pm set on April 8. Scroll ahead to about 1:07 on the video. It's amazing.

I had a strange vision in the middle of it (it lasts about 30 minutes) of Jesus head-banging to it. I hope that's not sacrilegious.

Sick day

2008-04-08T05:52:00.002-05:00

So I guess God wanted to me to have a full Sabbath day . . .

I woke up this morning, did my audition . . . (guitar and piano went well, I think, but since I was sick, vocals were no-so-beuno) . . . and then promptly went back to sleep for another 4 hours or so . . . woke up, and still felt horrible . . . so I "called in sick" to my prayer room time, and went to bed again. . . for another 4-5 hours or so.

I had to get up, though, even though I didn't go to the prayer room, so I don't mess my sleep schedule body clock thing up. Yeah.

So basically, I've been either asleep or alone today . . . which has been kinda nice.

Dad, thank You for forcing rest on me sometimes

Especially since I forget to actually use the Sabbaths

to really rest.

Anyway, thank You.

I love You.

So be it.

Once again another interesting day

2008-04-07T06:14:00.002-05:00

So I woke up two hours early this morning in a terrifying nightmare of a guy trying to take my eyes from me . . .

. . . that was AWESOME, let me tell you . . . {please note the sarcasm}

and then the message at church was about the light of our eyes . . . basically that pornography, lust, and immorality (and the tolerance of such things within our church bodies) is what starts everything bad in the church today. . . I'm obviously giving the condensed version . . .

Here's the part that starts to get me. He basically was saying that there is a way to defeat the flesh in these areas, but it takes a few things.

1) A knowledge deep inside of who REALLY lives inside of us. The very fact that the entirety of the Living God lives inside us and works through us should make it impossible for us to sin

. . . check . . .

2) We need to meditate on the Word . . . easy enough, but more than the word studies or whatever, but actually letting it permeate into our souls and falling in love with the Word like David, and realizing that is good

. . . check . . .

3) We need to communicate with the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us . . . He is a living being with a name, personality, etc . . . not some vague frothy thing . . . and He likes to talk to us, and it seems that He loves to help us out when we ask for His help.

. . . a slightly new idea, but check . . .

4) How we get power in our lives is by praying in the Spirit, specifically in tongues/prayer language/etc. Paul did it regularly and so we should all do it.

. . . umm . . . here's where I start to have issue. I have never heard a good scriptural basis for prayer language. It's always experiential . . . as in, "you just have to experience it". That simply doesn't convince me. And what I see of tongues in Scriptures always seems to be actual languages.

So, anyway . . . they gave this big invitation at the end . . . and a ton of people went forward to be prayed for . . . and they're all laying hands and people swaying and lots of noise . . . and I'm standing back at my chair, struggling. I totally want all of what the Lord has for us. I understand that I have not been operating in the power that I should have according to what Jesus said . . . as in "you will do greater works than these (or I did)". But the logic jumps on the last point just drive me crazy . . . plus, the scene up front looks ridiculous!? Like a complete emotion-driven hysteria.

So, I'm struggling with this, basically telling the Spirit . . . "if this is true, i want it, but I really don't want it because it looks ridiculous. I don't want to join in to something that appears silly to me. I'm honestly afraid of You, Spirit, because I don't really want this ridiculousness that, according to this guy, goes along with living in the power of Your Grace . . . but if You want me to have it, well, fine. Just please please don't embarrass me."

Then the preacher, who's down praying for and over people, looks straight at me and motions me to come forward. . . there's gotta be 200 or more people up front, and he didn't do this to anyone else in the room.

I kind of look away, because the scene just looks ridiculous. I told God, "if this is supposed to happen, make him come out to me." So a few minutes go by, and he works himself through the crowd, praying for people . . . and I sit down, and kind of forget about it. . . and then he comes up to me and starts talking to me. There's still a good hundred people up front, and the music is still going, and I'm serious, he didn't come back to the seats for anyone else.

So he tells me, essentially . . . "Your heart is tender before God, but you need to get over yourself, and just step up and step out into God." Then he prays for me, basically just that I'll be filled with the Spirit and such, and then walks away.

. . . so, yeah . . . I'm kinda confused by this whole thing . . .

plus, I'm sick, which is AWESOME!! . . . {once again, catch the sarcasm}

and I have vocal/guitar tryouts tomorrow . . . at 2pm, which is when we normally wake up. . . so less sleep . . . so yeah.

Dad, I love you, but I'm so confused right now

Please send someone or some revelation that

helps me understand what's going on.

I feel like based on everything that's going on

either all of it's right, or it's all based on a lie

and I know that's not necessarily true, but it feels that way.

But I want You. I want all of You. I'm just scared.

I don't understand it.

But I love You. Help me to trust You.

So be it.

Update . . . I can't think of a good title

2008-04-06T06:07:00.002-05:00

So it's been good the last few days . . . interesting if nothing else.

Yesterday afternoon (Friday about 9-10pm for most normal people), one of the worship leaders went into what they would call a "prophetic worship" time, basically having light music going while singing a stream-of-thought "prophetic word" on top of it. This happens a lot, actually, and I tend to just take it stride. . . but this time, it seemed like she was talking specifically to me.

It was strange . . . but I was basically weeping for almost half an hour. Not like loud sobbing or anything, but definitely weeping. It was crazy, but good.

I don't know really what to think right now about a lot of things . . . and I don't think that's bad . . . I'm really just trying to let the Spirit lead me through the scriptures into truth.

So . . . yeah . . .

Dad, I love You.

I know You've been steadily revealing Yourself to me

Even if I don't really understand what You've said

or even consciously known that You've said it.

Help me to have wisdom and understanding

And to come to know You more.

Thank you for my Sabbath tomorrow . . .

You have no idea how tired I am . . .

ok, so maybe You do . . .

Anyway, thank You for it.

I love You.

So be it.

Nickname Petition

2008-04-04T16:59:00.002-05:00

So I thought it couldn't get any worse than "curly Kris".

Well, apparently, my roommates, upon thinking up nicknames for everyone, decided to name me . . .

. . . get this . . .

"Tex"

What in the world?! I am like the least Texan person ever!? But they aren't budging on it, no matter how much I plead.

So, here's the deal . . . if anyone would like to spearhead this . . . I would be forever grateful. :)

They have agreed if I get one hundred (100) actual signatures on a petition to change my nickname, each with reasons why I am most definitely not suited for being stereotyped with Texas, and a suggestion for another nickname, then they will stop calling me "Tex".

Please.

Help me.

At least they have something . . .

2008-04-03T19:20:00.002-05:00

After the Burger King fiasco, I had almost lost hope.

God could not be here. (Please note the total sarcasm)

I didn't think it could get any worse . . .

And then they went out of there way . . .

AND TOTALLY REDEEMED THEMSELVES!!!

Today's Dinner item in the IHOP intern cafeteria:

Grilled Mahi mahi with pineapple salsa.

Oh, my goodness.

It hasn't tasted like that since I had it in California. It was refreshingly surprising on three levels: 1) Mahi mahi in a cafeteria . . . an intern cafeteria . . . where you expect sloppy joes on a regular basis
2) Mahi Mahi in Kansas City, MO. . . almost 1000 miles from the nearest ocean.
3) They knew how to cook it

All joking aside, the food here is, well, good. I haven't had a meal yet that I didn't almost thoroughly enjoy. And I've probably eaten more vegetables in the past week then the past 5 or 6 months. It's awesome.

Dad, thank You for Your grace
especially in giving me good food to eat
when all i need is something for energy
but You make it taste awesome!
Thank you for allowing some good
small things that help keep my spirits up.
You rock.
So be it.

An Utter Travesty . . .

2008-04-02T20:35:00.002-05:00

So, I'm goin' to go get dinner at Burger King, right . . . because I'm thinking about that delightfully calorie-laden monstrosity of tastefulness that is the Texas Double Whopper. You know what I'm talkin' about . . . the two flame-broiled patties, the veggies, the cheese, the bacon, and the perfectly spicy jalepenos . . . my mouth is watering right now.

So I get the Burger King, right? And I pull up to the drive through.

Texas

Double

Whopper

OK, so I'm breathin' hard, trying to get a grip on reality . . . and it occurs to me, "OK, you're not in Texas, so that makes sense . . . but you should be able to add things to your burger." I mean, it is the "have it your way" Burger King place, am I right?

So, I order the double whopper with cheese, and add jalapenos, and the response comes back . . .

"Sir, we don't have jalapenos here."

{insert stunned silence here}

What?!

Are You Kidding me?

Toto, I don't think I'm in Texas anymore.

So anyway . . .

2008-04-02T20:00:00.003-05:00

So today was our first day on a "normal" schedule, which means not much until 10:00 pm. Which is kinda cool. I got to get out and go to Wally World, and work on the dreads . . . which takes about 2 hours. Now I'm about to go get dinner, and then chill for a bit until class at 10.

It's been strange the last few days . . . I've been reading a lot in the Word, and really trying to press in, but I'm just "not feeling it". . . I have so many questions about the very basis on which this place sets its foundation, that it's hard for me to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'm really trying to isolate the presence of God from their rituals, and concentrate on the stuff I know is good.

I don't know. I don't feel as "angry" about it as the time of my last blog, but more disconnected. I have trouble singing along right now and really joining in with everyone else.

Well, now it's time for dinner . . . yea!

SCHEDULEES! AAAUGHGHGAUG!#$%!#$!!

2008-04-01T06:46:00.002-05:00

So we've been given addendum to our schedules . . . and it's all incredibly confusing . . . it really doesn't add anything as far as time . . . it just adds complications to the current one. It's like . . . "here's your schedule, except for these days, and this is different on these weeks, and on these specific dates you have to do this, etc."

While I appreciate scheduling . . . they couldn't make it more difficult. It took all of us two hours to compile them into a single schedule . . . and I'm still not sure I got it all.

{sigh} oh well.

Also, those of you reading, I would appreciate prayers regarding something. Tonight was very difficult for me, since there's lots of things they are telling us and just kind of glossing over that just don't sit well with me . . . usually nothing very big, but things that just raise warning flags in my mind . . . so the end result is me finding it hard to believe anything they really put forth. I truly want to search out God and find the real Him, and if that includes the things they teach, then so be it . . . but some of it really just seems like it directly contradicts or misinterprets Scripture. And that really bothers me. I want to be in unity with the people here, and so have not raised most of my concerns to anyone here, but I cannot abide anything but the absolute truth. . . and I really need help in discerning truth from half-truth, whether I'm the one with the half truth or whatever. . . anyway . . .

Dad, I love You so much,

And I know You love me

Show me even more the depths and width and height of Your love

Help me to know the truth

And stand for it when I know it

And not compromise

So be it.

P.S. I think my dream was a version of Song of Songs . . . .

{sigh} Of course . . .

2008-03-30T16:21:00.002-05:00

So, you might want to make sure you've read my previous post in order to understand what this one is about . . .

So, of course, after my rant about things last night, God would decide to give me a dream. I haven't really had any memorable dreams since I got here . . . and I knew when I woke that there was some significance to it . . . in any case, here 'tis.

The first part of the dream was a involved some random sports stuff, but the dream didn't become significant until after all of that. I was in some sort of house . . . but there were a lot of us, and we were kind of studying, I think . . . there's a girl my age sitting near me, but I don't pay a whole lot of attention to her. All of a sudden, she starts talking to me, straight up asking me if I thought we were meant for each other. . . and look up at her and really look at her for the first time, and she's stunning! She's absolutely the most beautiful girl I could imagine, personality and all (of course, since it's a dream, i could tell this instantly). Everything that I find myself drawn to in a woman.

So I, of course, being the self-conscious person I am, hedge around it, am very hesitant, say "I'm not sure" etc. I just can't possibly imagine that someone as perfect as she is would ask me such a thing. She continues to assert that she is actually the perfect person for me, and that we were meant to be together . . . and I start to give in to the idea. . . I mean, she is perfect! I just can't believe she wants me. I won't go into details, but she spent some time convincing me how beautiful she was and how we were meant to be together . . . it wasn't sexual, but there was an element of the physical there (which, if I'm not mistaken, is my love language, which is really why I'm so afraid of physical contact with just about anyone) , as well as elements of emotional and intellectual.

So, we're essentially cuddling (I know, sounds weird) now in her room. There wasn't really a transition, it just happened that we were there. And a noise comes from the door, startling us . . . she thinks it's her father, so I hide for a minute. Then we find out it was just the cat. She leaves the room for a minute, but the cat comes in . . .

So this cat was strange. I thought it was a kitten at first. It was small like one, but as it came up and started cuddling with me, I noticed it had tusks, kind of like a combination sabre-tooth/elephant tusks . . . not huge, but significant. It wasn't threatening in any way, and was quite gentle and affectionate. The other thing I noticed was that it most definitely was not a kitten. It was old. Older than any cat should be, but still beautiful and still strong. Strange.

Anyway, she comes back with a man . . . strangely enough, Brett's Dad, Steve. (??) He apparently isn't "her" dad. I'm a little vague here on who asks who, but he ends up agreeing to help me get out of there . . . and I think marry the girl. . . it was more implied than anything . . . because, we of course, are meant to be together.

There's some sort of car exchange thing where we switch cars to avoid detection . . . I'm still a little hazy here . . . but I remember I was packing stuff in the back of a Jeep Cherokee-esque (or something like it), and it being all beat up and old and barely functional, but at least it would get us wherever we were going. We were apparently married at this point, I think. So I was packing stuff, and she and I got into a mini-fight about how to pack things . . . it didn't really last, and I don't remember feeling mad about it. So were about ready to go, and for some reason, she drives off without me.

I was CRUSHED! I'm freakin' out, and trying to call her, but I can't get my phone to work. My perfect bride who loved my completely for who I was was gone! So I start running after where I think she headed, still trying to call her, text her, all to no avail. Then I started noticing someone else, kind of following me, making me a little nervous. I don't know what he wanted, but it was not good . . . I wasn't afraid of him, though, so I kind of starting chasing him, asking him "how it felt" and stuff. I wasn't scared of him, I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could find "her".

After a kind of "chase" scene, I end up losing him and finding myself back at a "previous time" in the dream, and she's there, except with a crowd of people kind of in a line. She's talking with some of them, and she doesn't really notice me at first, but as I come up to her, so embraces me and kisses me.

At this point, somehow I have fallen down on the ground, and it's just her and the family of the man that helped me out (Steve is there, but the family isn't the Brocks). I feel sort of injured . . . or rather beaten, bruised and tired. "She" comes over and lays down with me and wraps her arms around me, comforting me, etc. Then suddenly, we switch places, and I'm the bride being comforted. (WEIRD!!!) I'm crying/sobbing at this point, kind of quietly, either out of relief or love or something, I'm not sure, and "he" just holds me tight (the "he" is not me) and comforts me. This next part was very vivid. Every time I jerked with a sob, "he" jerked too, slightly delayed, as if in response to me, or I startled him or something. Finally I calm down a little, and breath that big sigh at the end of a good cry . . . and wake up with tears in my eyes.

So. yeah. Fun times. I really think this was God's way of showing me He loves me. It sounds simple . . . but I struggle with that. I don't find myself very lovable. And He told it to me in the way that speaks love most to me: not with knowledge, or verbally, or gifts, or anything but simply holding me and wanting to be close to me.

Feeling better about things . . . and yet . . .

2008-03-30T06:16:00.002-05:00

So, I'm starting to loosen up a bit about some things . . . after hearing where they are coming from, it makes more sense, and it's kinda satisfied at least some of my theological problems with what they do . . .

. . . some . . .

I'm, unfortunately, feeling a bit froggy about stuff right now . . . which probably isn't good, but sometimes things catch me by surprise and my defenses go up and I start to really analyze everything . . .

Like, just a minute ago, my "core leaders" came over to our apartment to pray for us before we went to bed . . . which is all well and good . . . but they wanted to pray that we would all have dreams and visions tonight. They then asked everyone what their dreams have been, and called almost every one of them "prophetic" . . .

. . . now, I completely believe in God's ability and desire to give people dreams . . . I've had several at different times in my life that I woke up and almost certainly knew they were from God . . . but it's almost like we're trying to force God's "vision" role into dreams that may or may not have anything to do with anything other than pizza for dinner, or a stressful day that overflows into our sleep.

I don't know . . . when they were praying for us, my prayer was honestly . . . "God, I don't know if I really want dreams. I don't see why I have to have a vision or dream to have You speak to me."

I don't really like my attitude in that, I'll be honest . . . 'cause I'm assuming you didn't either when you read it . . . whoever you are.

I just don't like throwing away intelligence . . . and sometimes it seems like they do here. God gave us a certain sense of the practical.

I don't know . . .

Dad, Honestly, I don't know that I want to have visions

I don't think it's because I don't want to hear from You

I really think it's because . . . well, I don't want them to be right . . .

sadly enough . . .

I can't see just letting go of my analytical mind

I know there is mystery to You

I know there are things and manifestations of You

that don't necessarily fit in my box I've sorta tried to stuff You in

But some things just seem ridiculous

Help to discern what is Your Truth

Give me Wisdom and Understanding

And an un-judgmental spirit

I'm sorry for my arrogance

If You want me to experience You this way . . .

well . . . OK . . . I think I can take it.

But I won't like it . . .

Just kidding. . .

I probably won't, but help me to overcome it.

Thank You for Your patience with me.

I love You.

So be it.

Schedule

2008-03-29T06:27:00.002-05:00

Incidentally, for those that wish to know . . . my schedule is approximately the following:

1:00 pm to 4:30 pm: wake up / Breakfast

4:00 pm to 7:00 pm: Church services / Prayer Room / Free Time (depending on the day)

8:00 or 9:00 pm: Dinner

10:00 pm to Midnight: Classes

Midnight to 6:00 Am: Prayer Room

1:00 am: short lunch break (we (the guys) call it "thirdmeal")

6:30 am: curfew

7:00 am: lights out

Distractions

2008-03-29T06:12:00.003-05:00

So, when you're used to only praying . . . well . . . not actually very much . . . being put in a situation where you're in a prayer room for 6-8 hours every day . . . you start to realize how distractible you . . . hey, is that some sticky stuff on my tea cup? . . . I must have missed with the honey . . . oh, what was I doing? . . . oh yeah, the blog . . .

No seriously, I'm realizing how prone to distraction I am, and how easy it is to find myself thinking of the most random things instead of focusing on God, or what we're supposed to be praying about . . . not that I think God doesn't understand or anything, it just makes me kind of ashamed that I can't focus on him for more than a few seconds at a time (and it's seriously seconds . . . I don't think I make it any longer than a minute).

Last night, during the last hour (5am-6am) I was really REALLY trying, but I was so stir-crazy that I couldn't keep my legs from bouncing, counting down the minutes. Tonight, I caught myself looking down at my feet and seeing how my pant legs kind of hike up when I sit down, so my extremely white socks show and look kinda funny against my dark pants and shoes, and thinking, "man, that looks really goofy; I really should've worn darker socks". And then I proceeded to think about blogging about it later, because it struck me as another distraction.

{sigh} I'm very glad God knows me. He probably laughs at me when he sees my attention snap back to Him (in a good way).

Dad, help me to know You more.

Help me to calm and focus my thoughts

toward You.

Help the to dim the world around me

to turn down the volume

to put it on slow-motion

So I can see You and You alone.

So be it.

Quick One

2008-03-28T21:36:00.002-05:00

Well, one of the things ran really long, so I'll have to make this quick . . .

Yesterday was interesting . . . and slightly discouraging, but not too bad.

There was on incidident in particular where we were praying for someone's healing, and it was 1) obvious, and 2) I really kind of knew that he wasn't going to be healed by us. . . it was just a sore throat, so it wasn't life-threatening or debilitating or anything . . . but something I really just felt like I heard, as we all kept repeating the phrases "In the name of Jesus, heal his throat", etc. . . was that the reason we were repeating it wasn't so that we were just really trying hard to get him healed, but more as if to try and convince ourselves that it would actually happen.

Now, I know that God heals, that He has the power over everything . . . but in the moment . . . it's hard to convince me sometimes that He really wants to intervene in little things like that, or that He'll do it simply because I ask Him to.

Anyway, gotta run. Fun (or, not so) little tidbit.

Well, I'm here

2008-03-27T15:06:00.002-05:00

So I finally was able to get internet access . . . yea!

Although, I have to admit, it would be kinda cool to completely detach from it for 3 months.

Oh well.

It was an interesting day yesterday. After no sleep the previous night, an 8-hour drive was . . . well, a little daunting . . . and then we stayed up until 4 last night. For the most part, I was doing good. Adrenaline or something, I guess. When it got around the 4 o'clock mark, though, and we were sitting in comfortable couches talking calmly about our testimonies, I was struggling.

It may be my lack of sleep (although probably a combination of that and other things), but yesterday was pretty numb for me. A lot of the guys are so excited to be here, and are just jumping in to everything . . . but I just don't feel it, yet. Of course, I'm not really that excitable of a person in general . . . except when it comes to music and leading worship. But with everything else, I've just felt so distant for so long. Very disconnected. And it hasn't really changed since I've been here.

It's been good, don't get me wrong. The fellowship is awesome. The guys in my apartment (and especially my room) are really cool and we have lots to talk about. The guy I've been hanging out with the most (Matthew) has taken a Nazarite vow. He's really into sound technology, music, etc., so we connect on that a lot. We also have a guy from Canada named Josiah whose missionary father was martyrd in the Phillippenes when he was 2, and David who was originally from Puerto Rico. So the guys are awesome. We've been having a good time getting to know each other.

But I still feel very alone in some ways. Everyone seems to be able to connect to what's going on. I just can't seem to get there. Maybe it will come in time. I don't feel like I'm not hearing God or anything . . . it's just extremely quiet and un-emotional. There's no feeling to it. There's no passion. Part of me doesn't trust fully abandoning myself to passion, though. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's true. I can't just turn my brain off. I know there's a balance, but lately, it's been more "communicative" than passionate. It's not just information or knowledge devoid of information, there is relationship to it, but it's without feeling.

I dunno. Everything here is about "experiencing" God . . . but there's some stuff I've been reading that talks about how "experience" should not be the defining standard of "truth". Truth is truth regardless of whether it's experienced or not. I want to know truth. But I want the "life" of God in me, that "life more abundant" that was promised.

Dad, help me to press in to You;
help me to dive into the riches of Your Grace, Mercy, and Truth.
Above all, Truth, Dad,
because you told me that I will know the Truth,
and that it(He) will set me free.
You rock. So be it.

I guess not . . .

2008-03-26T04:48:00.000-05:00

Of course not . . . why would I need sleep before an 8.5-hour drive to Kansas City when I'm leaving at 5am?

{sigh}

I wonder if I'll sleep tonight

2008-03-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

So . . . everything's packed in the car (minus a few pertinent items . . . laptop . . . backpack . . . bathroom stuff) and I'm getting ready to go to bed so I can get up and leave town by 5 am to make sure I make it there in time.

I wonder if I'll sleep tonight?

I'm seriously not trying to be melodramatic about this whole thing . . . but I have a real sense that tomorrow starts something big for me . . . something that won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. It's the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. I would say . . . Chapter 6.

Chapter 1: birth through 1st grade (the innocent kid years)
Chapter 2: 2nd grade - 7th grade (the "I'm arrogant and legalistic" years)
Chapter 3: 8th grade - high school (the "Now I'm in public school, so I'm going to be bad, arrogant, and legalistic" years)
Chapter 4: The stupidest mistake of my life (My Selfishness)
Chapter 5: The aftermath of the stupidest mistake of my life (My Awakening)

You know that feeling you have before the first day of school? This is crazily worse than that. (Worse may be the wrong word(s) . . . maybe "more intense"??) It's not a bad feeling, at least not entirely. It's part dread/part excitement/part destiny (that's right, I said "destiny"). It's a sense of, "o crap, here it comes" right before the wave hits. It's that weird adrenaline-rush-thing that happens when you're falling or about to crash when everything slows down and you can see everything really clearly for that split second before you hit . . .

I don't know. Maybe I'll sleep fine. Maybe nothing dramatic will happen in my life. Maybe it will be just a time of rest and reflection for me. A time to let the creative juices recharge. A time to grow closer to God and know Him more (that can never be bad).

Dad, whatever You have for me;
whatever You have planned,
whether ultimate humility,
whether out-in-front leadership,
let it be done in Your will, and Yours alone.
It seems that You have led me here;
slightly against my will, I'll admit.
But I hand it over right now.
Whatever You have for me, I want.
My ideas are unimportant;
Yours are all-important.
I am Your servant;
Do what You will.
Replace my will with Yours.
So be it.

Not quite, but getting there . . .

2008-03-22T10:01:00.001-05:00

So I've made it out of Lubbock . . . at least I've gotten that far. It almost seemed like it wouldn't happen; there was so much to do. But, after postponing my leaving town for one day, I finally made it out of town, and I get to spend some time with my family.

It's still kind of surreal . . . it doesn't really feel like it's going to really happen. It's probably because I'm still in familiar territory. I've gone back to visit Mom before. Once I hit the road, and have to start using my Google maps directions printout, it will probably kick in.

It's funny, in the last few years, I've come to think of myself as someone who adapts well to change. I'm kind of noticing now that I can adapt well to change as long as it's within my general framework of life. As long as it doesn't mess with my overall paradigm of home, friends, and work. Well nevermind that idea.

{sigh} Oh well.

I guess I get to learn how to deal with this change too . . . or maybe I am dealing with it. Maybe my "denial" of it happening is the way God keeps everything from hitting me all at once.

Well, just a few more days and I have to be there. Yea. Happy.

P.S. I apologize to those who are expecting me to be excited about this . . . but it's really hard, actually . . . I'm really looking forward to it . . . I know God's going to do awesome things in my life . . . but I left behind a lot of "good". If I didn't love the people and places and ministry and whatever, it'd be much easier . . . but, well, I do love all those things I left behind . . . so, once again, I am bittersweet.

Time will tell, I suppose.

Getting used to the idea

2008-03-06T23:23:00.000-06:00

So . . . it's a little strange. I'm still getting used to the idea that I don't work for LCU anymore . . . and now I have to get used to the idea that I'm going to be in Kansas City, MO for three months . . . in a little short of three weeks.

. . . weird . . .

God is definitely taking me out of my comfort zone, out of the realm of my home, away from friends, away from my plan for my life. (Notice all the "my"s in there)

I'm pretty sure that is, at the very least, a part of what this whole thing is about for me. Learning how little my stuff and ideas and plans and . . . whatever . . . really matter.

What's funny, though, is that as I've slowly been giving up everything, and saying "yes" and letting Him work the details, many details for those things I love, and those plans I have made . . . are also, perhaps, starting to fall into place. I think it may be that whole "seek ye first" thing. Let go, don't worry about the things of this world. Seek after Him and His kingdom first . . . and everything else will be taken care of.

{sigh} It still doesn't make it easy . . . I'm a habitual "take-care-of-it" guy.

Dad, You rock! You are awesome, powerful, and everything I really need.
Please help me to continually give everything I am to You.
Let me not get in the way.
Let me not take control.
Guide me to act when I need to.
Guide me to refrain from action when I don't.
Let all things I do be for Your glory, and Yours alone.
I love You, at least as best I know how.
Amen.

yea! for a new blog

2008-03-06T22:59:00.000-06:00

About this blog . . . I intend to post my thoughts at the end of every "day" in my internship at the International House of Prayer . . . I put day in quotes simply because I don't have a clue what the schedule is going to be like (for those that don't know, the internship I'm doing is called "Fire in the Night", which is involved in what they call the "Nightwatch" at IHOP, which is the 12AM to 6AM shifts in their 24-7 worship/prayer/intercession thing).

I have a feeling there may some entries on this blog that will be good, poetic and encouraging. I also have a feeling that there will be some that aren't so good, quite so poetic, and probably downright ugly. Quite frankly, this is going to be a way for me to process what is going on around me and in my head. By the grace of God, I know that in my imperfect humanity He can still be glorified, simply because He is not imperfect. (Ha! double-negative). Nevertheless, I intend to post it on here, for all the world to see, in this crazy lack-of-personal-privacy world we call blogging.

Yea! for newfound ways to communicate things nobody necessarily wants to know.